“I Don’t Think I Exist” Would be a Great Title for a Book

If you like contemplating your existence, and you also want to experience the mind-confusion I had earlier, then you should read this post. Hey, I NEED someone to share in the ohmygod-do-i-exist thoughts I have!

We had a feature lecture today, which meant that we had to sit on the floor for 45 minutes whilst a teacher spoke to us. I thought that it would be seriously boring, because I was tired anyhow and I was in a shit mood, but let’s not even go there.

Don’t ask me what the lecture was about; I couldn’t tell you. Red probably could – he was sitting on a chair next to me – and Wren, who sat next to me on the other side and kept on ripping up bits of paper and putting them on my lap, experienced the same mind-fuckery as I did.

There was something that the teacher said to us, near the beginning, that RATHER screwed with my mind.

“How do we know what’s real? How do we know if WE’re real?”

It’s true. As he spoke more, I felt myself go cold and get this weird and slightly horrific feeling, like everything was bigger than me. That’s because it’s true, and I’ll tell you what he said. I want you to think about it, because it’s been cycling through my head, and I want you to REALLY think, if you can.

Think about the technology we have now. 200 years ago, we didn’t have phones, television, radio; the first recordings hadn’t been made. Think about what it would be like 200 years in the future. 500. 1000. How much will we have progressed? Have that in your mind.

500 years from now, people will probably have the technology to create simulations of history that are so complex that they reinact events. They would be used to see how things would have played out if an event hadn’t happened, or had – a characteristic would be programmed into the “people”, and they wouldn’t know they weren’t real. It’s a weird concept to wrap your head around – it was for me. These futuristic people would observe their creations, from any time or place or area. Think of it like a computer game, any you play; you see characters on the screen and apply that to what it MIGHT be like in the future.

There’s a theory that suggests we’re simulations. Imagine this , the teacher said: somebody creates as many students as there are in your school, gives you a personality, appearance, and watches you all interact. Are you real, or are they the real ones?

We watched a video. It said that the chance of us being the “real” universe is approximately one in a million. That wasn’t necessarily what freaked me out so much.

“So, the future people might create these universes. In 200 years, they have the capacity to create 10. In 500, it’s 100. In 1000 years, it could be 10000 and in 10000 years? There could be a million simulations. Thousands of versions of you, or someone like you, all through time and space. Which one of you is real, if any? Are you ALL real?”

Yeah, that scared me a little, I started to think: imagine this huge society, in the future or one outside of our understanding, who have created us for whatever reason. It sounds a little like God, or different Gods, and the video – which I didn’t take entirely as truth because it’s just one source of information – says that the people who believe the simulation theory think that there IS a higher power, but it’s only higher because it’s in the future. So, who knows?

Then again, all of this could be bullshit. How would you know, though? You don’t know if you’re real or not – someone in a box with opaque walls wouldn’t know there was life outside the box. That’s a rubbish example, but you know what I mean.

People live their lives, not thinking about how they exist. You could think that you were just born BECAUSE, or that you were created by God, science or anything in between; you could believe that you were reborn from another life. But think about the simulation theory for a second. Because anything could be true – God or futuristic people or science., and my mind’s been whirling through everything we’re told.

Our teacher said something else: “You don’t know that what you’re being told is TRUE. 2000 years ago, most people thought the Earth was the centre of the universe and that the Earth was flat.” This simulation thing could be yet another thing that isn’t true, but at the same time, what if it IS? I’m trying not to think about it so my mind doesn’t get overwhelmed.

What if, say, a future society DID simulate us (actually then what time would we be in UGH), and they were simulated themselves? Layers upon layers of stuff we couldn’t understand, that I won’t even hope for. My brain is imploding.

There was this time that Ivy and I got really scared over the idea of reincarnation. I was brought up in a Christian school – I’m an Atheist – but I partly believe in reincarnation, and also I entertain the possibility of alternate universes, dimensions, of aliens existing that will literally not be understood by us. Of Heaven and Hell, and magic and everything. I might not believe it, but I think about it.

The simulation theory – it’s not even called that but we’ll go with it – reminded me that there are infinite possibilities for existence. No matter what you believe, whether that’s the same to those around you or vastly different, you don’t have to hide how you thought you came about. Because really, how are we going to know about all of it? People believe different things and that’s fine, because you can’t prove them wrong, and I love learning about people’s different beliefs anyhow.

Ahhh, I love thinking. It makes me happy, though it does mess up my mind.

Hopefully, you understand a bit more about how some people think. If I haven’t laid it out clearly enough, and it’s too jumbled from my erratic existence screaming, do let me know. I wanted to tell you guys about this as SOON as my thoughts started racing, because I think it’s so interesting.

Also, I don’t want to offend anyone with this post. Whatever you believe, WHOEVER you believe in, I’m not undermining it at all.

How do you think we came into existence? I’m really interested to know.

From Elm 🙂

Sleepless Skies

Wren talked to me about the stars last night.

I can almost imagine them. Pinpricks in the sky, twinkling, moving so fast within the universe but to you? Still, there, up in the darkness of night. The cloak is broken by little diamonds, so numerous that you could never count them. Are they beautiful? I hope they are.

The wonder I experience when I think about it is insane. Stars are the only things I have ever wanted to truly see, but they’re as out of reach to me as they are to you. Long ago, I accepted that I’d never be able to look up at the sky and see more than streetlamps, and I’m more than fine with that. It doesn’t break my heart.

I have a wistful longing for it, though. The quiet of midnight somehow seems more when you realise what’s out there.

To help you imagine how both Wren and I felt, I’ll explain. We are one planet, orbitting just ONE star. If it’s dark, and not too polluted, look up at the sky and see the stars. There are so many of them, all with planets around them. It’s so vast, and we’re insignificant compared – just one human, on one planet.

Endless pathways of galaxies stretch out, so far that it’s incomphehensible. You can see a little of it from your window, when the clouds don’t sweep over the painting. I hope it’s so beautiful that your heart swells with it, because it’s what I’d do.

Is it just me that feels sad when I think of stars dying? It makes them seem living, that huge ball of gas exploding with nobody to hear the sound.Perh it’s just because it’s late, but the idea of it makes me realise how short our lives are.T’s a good thing – not sad, not morbid.

I’ll never believe in a God, but I’m still filled with a sense of awe at the universe. If you believe, you could feel the same – because here, it’s not about belief. It’s realising how huge things are, how terrifyingly amazing the thought of it all is. Do you understand?

We’re just a few people, here. Compared to the expanse of what else is out there, it’s nothing, but we can still see our own little galaxy.

If you ever feel worthless, just remember that you aren’t the only one. Whenever I feel really awful, I imagine the sky stretching above me, the wild expanse of space. Strangely, it calms me, and makes me feel peaceful.

In the way of a painting, the sky’s a canvas and the stars are paint splatters. I know that I sound too philosophical and like I’m drunk, but stars are something I love, that I could talk about for days. My friends understand, the quiet certainty of trying to understand the universe and not being able to.

Talk to me about stars, and you’ll understand how I think. On nights like this, I think about existence and have tears in my eyes because it’s now that I realise that my life is something I should hold. I love feeling like this, because though it leaves me slightly empty, it’s the empty of knowing that everyone sees things differently. Shooting stars are just a speck to some people.

There’s so much in the sky. Just… Look.

From Elm 🙂

Nerding Out On Gravity Waves

THEY PROVED EINSTEIN’s THEORY OF RELATIVITY, basically, and they proved the detection of gravity waves.

I’m a nerd, but I don’t pretend to understand this. All I know is that they say you BEND space now, that they found two black holes COLLIDING and the energy that came from that, about 3 times the mass of our Sun, expanded out in waves like sound waves.

So, we can now HEAR THE UNIVERSE, the parts we can’t see, and it’s said that we can “hear” the fringes of the universe, essentially going back in time to find out more about the universe. Black holes as well, and don’t they scare you? The THOUGHT of them?

SORRY GUYS, I’m just having a moment here. About the universe, and the sheer MASSIVENESS of it, and the fact that we’re really fucking insignificant. And of course, GRAVITY WAVES.

I might not UNDERSTAND it fully, but that doesn’t mean I can’t realise what an enormous discovery this is. We have access to knowledge and to a theory that was presented 100 years ago, FINALLY.

Is it just me that’s freaking out a bit, or are you guys just staring at the screen, thinking, “WHAT THE HELL is she talking about?!”

I don’t have a clue, but again, this is SCARY as hell. If you’ve heard the gravity wave sound at the frequency we CAN hear, you’ll understand.

Nerd rant is OVER.

What d’ya think?

From Elm 🙂

I WASN’T Going to Freak Out, but then THIS HAPPENED

Sigh. Oh, Elm.

Alright no. I think I need a break. I sort of just half-cried but didn’t have a psychotic breakdown.

3 days ago, I revised chemistry. I did a mini test on it today to practice the things I revised, and I fucked up. I thought I understood it, but for some reason, I Forgot IT and now don’t get it any more. Oh my god.

I feel sick, not least because my hormones are all over the place; let’s not even get into that because it will make any males reading this feel REALLY uncomfortable.

I’m really, really angry. My head hurts and I’ve been doing this for 3 hours with NO gain. I’m a bit of an idiot and again, I’m annoyed. Why the hell can’t I just REMEMBER?

I mean come on, I was so happy on the 24th because I finally understood all the acids and bases module AND most of the calculations (moles and shit) module, but NOW I just don’t seem to recall facts. Idiot.

I couldn’t be properly angry earlier because I was sitting with my sister and it would be unfair on her for me to break down, plus I didn’t want to leave her, but now she’s gone to have a shower and I can feel the massive amounts of self-hatred building up.

Elm, why can’t you get this? Why do facts go in one ear and then out the other? Why do you feel like you’re about to start screaming and crying and WHY CAN’T YOU JUST BE BETTER AT THIS?! The FUCK?!!!

I need a rest but I’ve been WAY too lazy these past few days. Maybe it’ll come back to me in the exam, but I can’t take that chance.

My sister’s coming back downstairs so I have to act happy, or at least okay with myself. I think this crap will pass but I CAN’T take a break from revision. Perhaps I’ll do physics but I feel too sick and if I screw up the mini tests again I’ll flip.

Sorry – I’m just tired and stressed when I have no right to be. Has anyone got any tips? Think I need them.

From Elm 🙂

We’re scared 

Hey everyone, this is Raven (not my real name, just trying to fit the nature themes on this blog!) I’m Elm’s friend and I’m typing for her on her phone, but she’s right next to me. 

Basically, we have some fair banter as friends, and somehow we ended up discussing a documentary Elm had seen, which was about a boy who claimed to have memories of a past life. In this film the boy and his family go to the place he claims to have come from and find out all his stories are completely legitimate. Now Elm and I are basically a bit confused, is there a scientific explanation for this. (We are slightly creeped out) 


I am so stressed right now and the exams I referred to in the title aren’t even that serious. To those starting your GCSE exams after Easter, you have it WAY worse. I’m sorry for whinging 😦

Exams and things I have to worry about right now (I start school tomorrow oh fuck)

1. My French speaking GCSE assessment (the second one). I have to learn 5 paragraphs and I’ve done that but I stutter.

2. An English Lit coursework thing which is worth 20 percent of the WHOLE FUCKING GCSE. And the title? “Explore the ways in which writers present emotional relationships in Shakespeare’s Macbeth and a range of poetry, bow contemporary and from the English Literary Heritage.” I shit you not. I want to cry. It’s way too much, and there’s too much to write about, and I don’t know what to do.

3. My Sociology assessment on Tuesday that I completely forgot about and I’ve revised a bit (before Easter) but Jesus it’s on all we’ve done this year (mass media) and to top it all off, I haven’t even done one of the essays I was supposed to because of stuff… Eh.

4. Small Physics test on radiation but I’ll probably do crap because I can’t remember things.

5. A biology test, which I forgot about and was reminded of today, on genes and inheritance. Oh yeah, and I missed the last 2 lessons because I was on a revision course. Fucking hell

Like I said, I haven’t even scraped the surface of exams yet. But I can’t deal with this because I’ve already had to deal with really shitty emotional stress because of friendships this Easter, and I have to do so much revision that it’s just piling on and I feel sick.

I am such a whining twat. Sorry guys 😦

From the Elmitron