Guest Post – Trapped Behind

Hi, viewers of Elm’s blog:

It’s me, L, you know, me! L, off of
Consider Yourself Warned…

I’m actually writing this post without even letting Elm know that I’m writing it; I’ll text and ask her permission in a little while, obviously before publishing. Although I don’t even think I have the rights to publish… Hmmmmm….

What am I even wanting to talk about today? Well, I want to talk about life. Vague, L, vague…

I was thinking earlier on today [although it’s only 6am, so it was very early] about walls.
No, seriously, I haven’t lost it, promise…
If yu’re in your room, I bet you’re used to your walls: their colour, there little imperfection, the area where the wallpaper is just beginning to peel away from the wall. When I was younger, I used to think that there was nothing outside of my four, plain, dull-coloured walls. Outside of my small, compact room, I thought there was nothing, that everything was already here, and that was the end of it.
Even to this day, I sometimes forget that there’s a world outside, that there’s more to life than my four walls.

If you read my blog [which you really should], you’ll know that recently, I’ve had a bit of a whirlwind journalism experience, with my story being picked up, with a resulting radio show, TV segment and live radio interview. I think that only when I stood outside BBC Broadcasting House in London, my phone at the perfect angle for a selfie did something finally click into place in my head:
There’s more to life than those four walls.
Trapped by my own naïveté, I’d never considered what was really out there, available for me to grab at. Until then, I’d been living my life around conventions; living by the unspoken rule of society, living not for myself, but for the tradition of society.

What am I trying to say, exactly? Well, live. Live your life, grab at experiences and opportunities. Escape from your four walls, however frightening it may be – and yes, it is frightening. Stepping outside the world in which you’ve lived for your childhood is frightening, full of opportunities to screw up, make mistakes and end up in trouble. But listen: it’s not scary. There are people just like you and me, and trust me, if you can take the step out from behind your four walls, the hardest part is over.

I hope this made an inkling of sense, and that it’s made you think; about what, I don’t know, but thinking is good, and apparently burns calories… I’m all in!

L XX

I’m Sorry that I Think They’re Human

I’m so angry right now that I could hit something, but I won’t. And yeah, I’m writing this in school, but I need to get it out.

There is a girl in my form. Let’s call her B. I’ll give some background info here.

I have NEVER liked B. I thought – and still sometimes do think – that she’s rude, irritating, and appreciates no one. The teachers “pick on her” for it – oh SORRY, I meant they tell her off for rule-breaking because some people don’t conform.

B and I have had arguments in the past. But today, I decided I was going to set that shit aside. She sat next to me – the other seats were all taken – and the teacher was telling her off for being insolent/rude/whatever, like she always is (because it’s true, she is, but for God’s sake let me get to that ARGH!).

When you hear someone getting picked on, right next to you, it makes you feel awful. Even though they MIGHT deserve it, you STILL want to stick up for them. This is how our conversation went, starting with me, then B etc.

“Why do they always pick on you?”

“I don’t know. Not like I’ve done anything.”

“Yeah, exactly. You don’t do anything wrong.”

“Yeah, exactly!”

“I just think it’s unfair. Why do some people always get picked on just cause they have a reputation?”

“Yeah, my reputation isn’t all that bad.”

Yep. And you know what? I’m PROUD of myself for talking to her, because I used to be so terrified about talking to people that didn’t like me/who I didn’t know. I wanted to show her that some people didn’t just think of her as some rule-breaking rebellious bitch.

Oh wait, sorry. I got in trouble.

I get how it could be construed as rude. I UNDERSTAND that. The teacher said something like this to me, at the end of the lesson, and it was broken up by me going “Yeah,” “Hmm,” “I understand.”

“Elm, I really don’t appreciate you saying that I was “picking on her”. You say you were trying to help but I don’t think I quite believe that, from what B told me earlier. Some people don’t conform – some people get into trouble – and they have to be told off. I know you never get into trouble, apart from once in form…”

Yes, Miss. I understand. I understand that you don’t appreciate it and that B might have gone behind my back. I UNDERSTAND that it was rude and that maybe I shouldn’t have stuck up for someone who has a habit of breaking rules and chatting back to teachers, but YOU KNOW WHAT?

I can’t believe I got in trouble for doing something nice. I’m actually furious, because I was attempting to help B. Perhaps it didn’t work, but I wanted her to know I thought it was unfair, because it IS. Yeah, some kids may deserve it, but I have NO idea what B goes through every day. The teacher doesn’t. And sometimes, I want to tell people it’s unfair.

Now, I’m going to have a reputation for sticking up for the rulebreakers. For being rude to teachers and siding with students who don’t conform to our school’s. stupid expectations. I don’t care, though. I said in one of my previous posts that I was going to talk to people I wouldn’t usually talk to and be nice, and this is just the first step. Maybe B didn’t appreciate it, but no matter.

Pine helped me out a lot. I was crying after I got out of the form room and I missed 20 minutes of chemistry, but I was and still AM so angry that I can’t think. I don’t want to keep my head down and put up with this shit. People might not care, but I’m so done with hearing people get picked on. I just snapped earlier and felt angry at it all, because we have NO idea what people. go through.

I’m still angry I got in trouble, for the simple fact that the ONE TIME I want to do something nice for someone I NEVER talk to and actively avoid, I get called out for it. I’m not trying to be the victim in the situation; I’m trying to prove to people that kindness costs nothing, even if being “kind” is acting in a way that someone MIGHT find rude.

This has just shown me that my reputation for being a so-called ‘good’ student is about to flip upside down, at least in that teacher’s eyes. Another teacher – my physics teacher – saw me crying but I’m okay with that because she understands.

Sorry, Miss, if I treat people like they’re human. Sorry if I’m concerned. Sorry if I want to make sure people are okay, even if they do stupid things and are rude and horrible.

I may have been “reckless” today, but I don’t care. I may have come across as a rude bitch to my teacher, but I don’t care about that either. I hope that I’ve managed to make B a little happier – and if not HAPPY, then I hope she knows that I actually care. I respect her a little more.

Thanks for reading. I really think that everyone should take one little moment out of their day just to check if someone’s alright; I know it’s patronising of me to say that, but just go for it. See where it takes you, even if you DO get in a bit of trouble.

From Elm 🙂