I’m a Little Bit of a Mess

Hi,
One thing that people start to realise about me very quickly is that I hardly ever do something someone tells me to straight away. It’s taken me months, for example, to be able to understand I need help and to properly implement that, with the encouragement, logic and screaming of my friends. It takes me a while to do absolutely anything because I try and reason why it would be a bad idea but finally, finally I did something.

This is a really quick post to just say, well, sorry for vanishing off the blogosphere for a few days. I know that this is my blog but I care about you guys and so not reading your blogs or not having the motivation to do it has wrecked my mind a little.

Truth be told, I don’t feel great and I’ve been ignoring it, yet again. I’m still unsure as to exactly why; it’s partly stress and partly that overwhelming terror you get when everything’s too much and you feel cold; you can’t breathe from it. I don’t know. I’m sad when there’s no logical reason why I should be.

Last week, I spoke to my Head of Year and cried my eyes out for 20 minutes. I wasted a bunch of tissues, sobbed, shook so hard that I violently panicked and was utterly unable to articulate what was wrong. We eventually came to the conclusion that I was sad, it was okay but that I was thoroughly unused to not coping publically. I’m going to see her this week too; I’m scared because I know I’ll panic and repeat the words “I don’t know,” “I can’t” and “I have no idea” a lot. I don’t like it. Not having a proper channel for my worries is making me skittish.

I hide things. On the surface, I tell people I’m not feeling good, I’m tired and that I’m not okay but I don’t often say why. It’s a coping mechanism because if I start talking, I won’t be able to stop but it’s also because sometimes it’s effort to trawl through my mind’s complicated maze-like thoughts. I never know what I feel or don’t feel and I’m so desperately sad sometimes that I want to scream, so lonely with no explanation that everything feels hazy.

Everything with which I used to gain enjoyment is now less fun; it’s worrying. I still sing, write, blog, talk to people but it doesn’t have the same fire for me. In my mind, I know it’s temporary, that it will pass and I’ll get that spark of life but for now, I don’t feel happy and I don’t feel like I have a purpose with it. It makes me sad as I want to truly love the things I do.

Luckily, I have something now with which to get this out. My head of year isn’t the perfect solution – she’d tell my parents if she started to worry a lot, which she inevitably will. My dad knowing about my fears is okay but with my mum, she treats it like it’s nothing and like it’s normal, like it’s your average teenage phase. Is it? Am I making this all up? Am I just being an overdramatic lazy bitch? I hope not.

I told her about my blog. I felt like I had to: as it’s a huge part of my life, it’s something that will come up in conversation in order to let her properly understand what’s been happening. As well as that, she’s emailed all my teachers to tell them I’m feeling anxious, all the time because as I said to her, “I feel sad every day.” For now, I’m going to talk about the shallower things to her but when I feel a little more comfortable, I may get onto the paranoia, self-hatred, anger and insecurity. That is, if she’ll properly listen and not brush things off – she has never done that, though, so it’ll be okay.

There are still things I’m happy about, like my friends and the laughter that still comes easily. I’m going to write about the open day I went to on Saturday which made me feel more connected to everything. It’s not all ‘doom and gloom’, as my mother likes to say. It’s just that at the moment, I’m trembling, my eyes are watering and I feel freezing.

If this is the first thing you’ve ever read from me, I’m not even going to apologise and say ‘this is not the usual me’. It is the usual me sometimes and that’s alright. To know a person, you have to know all their parts: good, bad and things in between.

Never apologise for feeling how you do and expressing those feelings; I feel more free and liberated. I didn’t plan this and haven’t thought much about what I want to write. I’m writing this at night, meaning that all my filters are down and I can post this tomorrow without feeling intensely guilty. What is there to feel guilty about, though? There isn’t a thing wrong with helping yourself by telling the people who mean the most to you a little of what’s really wrong.

I still don’t know how I properly feel. Sometimes, you don’t have to know. However, I’m on my way to analysing those feelings. Even though my friends forced me into it, going to see my head of year might just be the thing that forces me to acknowledge that I do have feelings and that I should deal with them, rather than pushing them aside and running.

You’re human. A human can only take so much until they break from the strain of trying to keep things together. Breaking is okay and natural; you aren’t pathetic for it. Telling people you’re an unexplained mess is something you can do. You don’t have to have reasons; you just have to feel. Remember that.

From Elm πŸ™‚

Small Confessions I Want to Make, Part 2

As with the first time I did this, I’m going to be writing little sentences to explain complicated thoughts in my head. Sometimes, expanding on a point makes me tired so these will have to do. Remember if you feel like any of these, I understand and you can always talk to me about it.

I get scared when I feel strong emotion and so have blocked it out for the last 3 months and now I don’t understand how to un-block it.

Having people be disappointed in me or not trust me any more really hurts but I brought it on myself and I feel like I deserve it.

I’ve lied to so many people that the thought of having to tell the truth – which I started to do yesterday – terrifies me because where do I start?

The longer I refused to admit things to people, the worse it got.

I’m going to repeat the same mistakes I did before because I said I wouldn’t in the summer and then did: I don’t know how to stop myself or if I will.

I have so little trust and faith in myself and others as a general rule that I feel lost a lot of the time.

I avoid my problems to such an extent that it makes them worse and causes me to lose friends.

I’ve missed a few blogging opportunities because I’ve been too stressed to reply to emails, when I know that blogging is the one thing I truly love.

Distracting myself is the only way I can get through days without screaming but I don’t know how to stop distracting myself now.

Last night, I stayed up until 2 AM because I was miserable and for the first time in a while, thought concrete thoughts without shying away from them.

Yesterday evening, I got so angry with myself that I wanted to punch through my window and it terrified me.

When I’m lonely, I do stupid, irrational things and now I’m known for that; it makes me sad.

If I get paranoid that people will hate me or never speak to me again, I don’t tell them things that I should which is so damaging to everyone involved.

The feelings I discussed here have grown and I really don’t like it; it’ll end in tears for me.

I’ve really fucked up and the magnitude of that has been hitting me all day, leaving me shaking and disgusted with myself.

Over the next few months, I want to feel like I have some kind of purpose rather than feeling listless.

I’m worried that when I go abroad later this month, my classmates will think I’m weird and won’t speak to me.

I still feel lonely and as much as it’s okay, I hate it.

Good days are what I live for.

Apologising is a scary thing for me because I can’t get the words right and if I screw this up, I won’t only upset myself but it’ll impact at least two other people.

I’m scared but I need to do something; I need to fix all of this.

I need to fix this now otherwise it’ll never be sorted.

If I can make other people happy, if I can swallow my pride and just say sorry without any justification for my actions, everything will be alright.

From Elm πŸ™‚

I Actually WILL Do It This Time

Ello!

So. I’ve said this about 5 times already – probably more – but…

I NEED TO TAKE A BREAK FROM BLOGGING. An ACTUAL break: none of this “I feel guilty so I HAVE to post” bullshit.

See, I’ve got GCSEs in 12 days. And I have kind of locked myself into a loop of thinking I’ll fail, convincing myself I’m not doing enough revision and then crying about it. So that isn’t exactly good.

Yup. I’m probably going to post in the half term, though I’m going up to see Rapunzel which should be awesome. I’ll miss all of you guys, and remember I’m just an email away.

I’ve also been feeling really shitty recently. I had a total mental breakdown today, over something that was stupid. I’ve realised I need to take care of myself, on top of revising. I’ve had enough of feeling terrible and snapping at people because of it; it fucks up my health and other people’s too.

That thing today was pretty damn horrible. It strikes me as strange that I can’t think of myself, and that I get snappish when I do. My feelings are pretty meh at the moment, which I won’t go into because it makes me feel tired. But I WILL be okay, because I just need to take time to appreciate things and just live.

I hope you guys’ll be okay. Things will probably be hectic for all of us, especially those with exams coming up soon. Take care of yourself, and when I come back, I’ll be way more involved in the blogosphere. I’m still Elm, after all.

Love from Elm πŸ™‚

Elm is The Terrible

GUEST WHO HASN’T BEEN BLOGGING?!

ME!!!

And guess who feels guilty, also has the worst stomach ache ever and is exhausted? Me me me!

Right. So. HEYY…

I am SO, so sorry. Seriously – I haven’t blogged or read blogs in a while, or what feels like it. You know when you just feel tired? Or angry, or upset, and all those fun negative emotions.

So, I hope you’ll stick with me. I know I’ve been shitty recently, and I’m partly blaming it on the exams that are 19 DAYS AWAY. FUCKKKKKK.

I’ll try and be… Better? ARGH I’m getting incoherent! Mehh.

You’re all brilliant.

Love from Elm πŸ™‚

I’m an Unexplained Wreck

I just hate everything.

No, I DON’T hate everything. I’m just sad.

I’m so, so sad. I’ve got something that feels like a weight on my chest, my heart, and I’m SO DAMN UPSET and I have no idea why.

This probably seems out of the blue, and I haven’t done one of these in a while. I’m sorry. I wish I felt okay. I wish I WAS okay enough, and I wish I could pretend everything was fine. In fact I CAN, because everything is fine and I’m just being so FUCKING DRAMATIC again. God.

I’m fake. I pity myself, then whine about my problems; I’ve got nothing to be miserable about. This is a fucking ridiculous post.

I’m a shit friend. I’m a terrible person. And I DON’T KNOW WHY, I just have this crawling, hateful feeling, and I know people will say I’ll be okay and it’ll make me feel okay for a while.

It’s funny, because I’m not even being true to myself here. I just think I’m not a nice person, which ISN’T news, but everything’s snapped and I feel sick.

Why do I do this? Why do I lock myself into a loop? I feel like everything’s hopeless, pointless, stupid, WORTHLESS, that I’m all of these things and then some. What the fuck is the point in having friends, doing well, BOTHERING? Why am I saying this?

I’ve been sitting here for the past hour, trying to get these feelings AWAY from me, trying to cheer up. It’s failed and I just want to stop, now, and let everything fade into the background.

I haven’t done enough revision over the half term. I haven’t done enough homework. I haven’t payed attention to my friends, or tried hard enough, or been bothered to try. I’ve got a sick feeling in my chest and it’s my fault. I should be able to do this by now.

It’s all so insignificant. I don’t know what to do with my time, with my life, or anything. If I carry on like this, I’m going to get nowhere, but how do I stop? I feel like life’s running away with me, all the time, and I’m helpless but I’m NOT, I’M NOT, I CAN DO SOMETHING BUT WHAT?!

Everything’s happening too fast, too soon, too much. Exams, stress, friends, ME, me being shitty, me posting this shit, me making things about myself. All so damned pointless and I doubt it’s true anyway; I’m making excuses for feeling sad for no reason.

Why can’t I just get a grip and stop acting like a pathetic fuck – why is it that I can’t be happy and why I’m panicking, why I’m saying to myself I’m going to fail?

In the background, I despise myself, because I’m lazy and WON’T do anything and there’s too much. It’s absolutely pathetic and I’m making EVERYONE WORRIED.

Why can’t I get that happiness from yesterday? And now WHY THE Hell do I feel empty?

I’m so sorry, guys. I am acting so negatively and that’s not the image I want to show you, but it’s me right now. I hope you’re all okay, and sorry I’m posting this attention-seeking bullshit again.

From Elm πŸ™‚

Hibernation is Cool (Not Really)

Err, I don’t want to do this, and I’m about the least likely person to EVER do this – being devoted to my blog like it’s my baby or whatever – but I, um, need to take a break?

I have mocks starting on the 11th and I NEED to revise. I don’t know if not blogging’s a drastic measure, and I’l probably break halfway through and rage about how shit exams are, but I think I NEED this. I’m not sure though.

What it means is NO posting from now until… The 20th? Oh GOD I CAN’T DO THAT. Maybe I’ll post some things BEFORE the 11th, but NOTHING after that. No way. Maybe at the weekends – ELM STOP!!!!!

The point is, I’m TRYING to cut down on blogging for now. I’m sorry, it’s just I don’t know what to do because I haven’t been studying as much. I might delete the app off my phone to make sure I’m not tempted to use it. God, I feel crap for doing this, but I know it’s a good thing to do?

This means I won’t be doing the following things much, or at ALL, until about the 20th:

Reading posts
Commenting on posts
Replying to comments (not sure on that one)
POSTING
Doing ANY awards whatsoever
Talking to many bloggers

In regards to that last one, I’m probably going to fail. You need me, I’m here. I just might be even WORSE at replying than usual.

So again, I’m sorry. I just need to put my head down and STUDY LIKE HELL, not that that’ll do much good, because my willpower is shot to hell.

If something bad happens, PLEASE let me know. I’m not distancing myself ENTIRELY.

From Elm πŸ™‚

Musings Whilst Waiting for my Dad to Come and Pick me Up

There are just some things in life, and some moments, where all you can do is grin, bare it and hang on for dear life because otherwise, you’ll fall and you’ll leave people behind. If you do those things, you’re as brave as you could ever be, and I know I want you to hold on for as long as you can – and not just hold on, but get up again and smile for real.

I wouldn’t say I’m grinning, but I’m baring it, and I’m holding on. It’s not all bad; I’ve got my friends on this blog and in real life that keep me together. I won’t pretend I’m all doom and gloom, because I have my days – like one recently – where I smiled for an hour and just felt so happy.

But then, I have my days where I just can’t. On Monday, in maths, I physically couldn’t work and I felt like there was a cloud smothering me and hanging around me; later on, I had an episode of “Oh shit I need to call Childline” which passed, and I didn’t call them in the end. I nearly did yesterday, but my mum came home.

The point is, I’m okay. I’m so sorry I haven’t posted in… Has it been a week? I feel terrible. I don’t know what to say – nothing so bad’s happened. I’ve just been feeling the lowest I’ve ever felt, and it’s terrifying.

My mum asked me this morning if I was happy. She wanted to know if I “had depression or anything?” I said of course I was happy, and no, I didn’t have depression. The second I’m positive I don’t have – the first, I’m not sure about. I’m not happy, but I’m not destructive.

“You need to tell me if you do, okay?”

“Yeah.”

I hate it when she’s like this in the mornings. Then again, I hate it when she’s like this whatsoever.

It sounds like, when I write it, she was being caring as any mother would. Perhaps she was. But I know, through her tone, that she’d either had a row with my sister or she was trying to be there for me. Fucking good luck with that, really. But nah, I won’t get into that unless you’re alright with reading it.

I’m going to try and blog more. If I can. If I’m up to it. I’ll do my best, but I can’t make any promises, even though I want to.

Thanks for sticking with me. If you ever want to talk, you can email me – gemmabaristol@yahoo.co.uk – add me on Kik – GemstoneEyes – or, if I know you, I can give you my skype. I’m always going to be here, no matter what; I’m not just a faceless figure behind a screen.

Thanks again, everyone! Bare with me whilst I drag myself back up again. There are days where I honestlyy think I’m really good, but then a day hits me where I’m not.

I need to just reiterate: I don’t have depression. That’s insulting to those that do, and I won’t ever say I’ve got something that’s not diagnosed.

From Elm πŸ™‚

I’m Facing Up to It

Trigger warning for this post. It mentions suicide and self harm. I’m sorry about this.

I have something to say.

Yesterday, at about 11 at night, I signed up to the ChildLine website.

At the time, things in my head weren’t bad. In fact, about two hours before, I’d had the happiest half hour of my life with my sister. I knew, though, that I’d need it the day after, or the day after that, or the day after that or any day.

It’s a complicated thing. At the time of creating it, I was terrified but I felt oddly relieved. My advice to you is that if you feel awful and you just can’t do anything anymore, sign up. I’m sure it will help, because my friends have said positive things about it.

This is so difficult to talk about, but I thought I’d let you know. It will be even more difficult with real life people reading this, but you guys deserve the truth – I wish I didn’t have to say it this way. It’s making me feel cold.

There’s a point where you have to realise you can’t do this alone. Your friends help so much, but sometimes, your thoughts get so terrifyingly bad and so painful that you are so scared you’ll do something. You want to try this new thing out, to see how much it will help, because you need it. You have to face up to the fact that you aren’t strong right now.

I think the website will help me. I can get advice there from counsellors, and other people, and maybe I’ll find someone to talk to. I don’t necessarily need it, because I have a blog and all of my friends on here are wonderful, but I’m scared.

Like, really scared. I’ll explain why, and this is the part where if you’re affected by mentions of suicide and self-harm, stop reading. I know what it feels like to be triggered, and you shouldn’t go through that.

Don’t be alarmed by this next bit, please? It’s okay. I’m okay, but I need to say it.

Yesterday, and on Wednesday, I wanted to die.

Fuck. This is horrible to write down, but I need to explain.

I still can’t face up to what happened on Tuesday, but it affected me badly. On Wednesday, in maths, I fucked my wrists up with my hands so badly that the next day, I could feel it. All through the day I was screaming inside my head. Yesterday was even worse because all I wanted was for an accident to come along and kill me. That’s the truth and I’m sorry.

And today, the thoughts got even worse, because I realised how unsocial I am and hated myself all through history. History is where I sit next to Birch – look on my Who’s who, exactly? page to find out who he is because I’m exhausted.

I felt hopeless. Couldn’t do any work. I haven’t done anything to myself since yesterday, but I feel so dead that it’s scaring me.

I’m so, so sorry about this. You shouldn’t have to read this but I can’t help it; I need to scream my thoughts onto a post because this is destroying me. This is why I set up the Childline account. I need the help, frankly, and I need to realise I do.

I won’t kill myself. That’s out of the question and I don’t think I CAN explain why, as much as I want to because it’s been hurting me for 4 years. I gave too much away then. Sorry.

I can’t help feeling awful and terrible, and every time anyone spoke to me today I either wanted to cry, hit them or hit myself. I think people noticed I was miserable, but I have no energy to pretend any more. I’m done.

All in all, I need to do something about my mental health, now. I was ready to scream at teachers today because they didn’t understand, but it’s time for me to make myself feel better, in any way I can.

This is going to fuck me up for a while. I knew that the minute I did what I did that caused all this. My thoughts are still screaming at me; I feel as numb as anything, and I know my friends will be worried once I post this. I’M worried. Just don’t panic, okay? I’m here and always will be.

Yesterday, I told myself that there was nothing left to live for. I felt the whole ‘Live your life!’ attitude slipping between my fingers, and then shouted at myself and chalked it up to bullshit. I don’t think that anymore.

I still think everything’s pointless and I feel horribly weak, but I’m okay. I’m taking little steps to make myself okay.

In history, I tried to cheer myself up by talking to Birch, but it failed. He was talking to other people about a party and, like I said, I realised how much of a closed-off awful person I am.

If any of you feel awful, you can always talk to me. Talk to your friends, your family, or sign up for Childline or a similar service in your country. You shouldn’t ever have to feel alone or like the world hates you, or that you have nothing left, like I did.

You’re only by yourself if you shut yourself away.

From Elm πŸ™‚

Why I’m Honest on My Blog

Hi, guys.

So yesterday and today, something was happening with one of the members of the Blog Squad (a group chat on Twitter). I won’t go into details, but if you follow me on Twitter then you can probably see my tweets.

Anyway. We all came together to support her – can I just say, that was honestly so amazing. I’m so proud of everyone for it.

Today, we were all discussing how open we were on our blogs, and I said I was very honest. I’m going to explain why.

I think being somewhat “annonymous” helps. It means I don’t have to mind my words. Even if my trusted friends know about this, I still don’t have to mind my words.

If I wasn’t honest, bad things would happen. I would snap, more than I already do. I would shut myself down and call myself selfish literally WHENEVER I thought about myself, because I wouldn’t have an outlet for these thoughts.

Perhaps I’m being selfish, on this blog, because recently I’ve barely been reading any posts and only writing my own. Perhaps that’s bad. But to be honest, I have so much going on and I hope you don’t mind me venting. If you do, read no further; you’ve got the gist of the post anyway.

VENT STARTS NOW (it’s messy)

Today, I felt so shitty. It’s kind of a return to yesterday, because I STILL had left over emotion. I think it was a culmination of the stress and fear from yesterday, the fact that I was actually recoiling from people touching me (why?) and also because I felt horrible about the S situation. S is a guy who I’ve been friends with 3 years, if you don’t know – lives in Yorkshire, came round to my house two weeks ago and I kissed him. ANYWAY. It’s a long story and I’m exhausted.

I think I feel so terrible because I feel powerless. I have so much to do, and so many people that I feel like I NEED to help.

So, what’s on my mind right now? Little bullet points for ya. Not bullet points. Urgh.

Flashbacks of Ash (previous best friend I was in love with and who abandoned me with no notice)
Panicking over having to possibly sort out a revision timetable for all my holidays
Stressing over the amount of subjects I have
Worrying over my music composition and whether it’s good or not
Feeling awful over the S situation and how I wasn’t talkative yesterday with him because of my headache
Feeling like I HAVE to help people otherwise I’m useless
Screaming in my head that I can’t help anyone and that I’m trapped
Getting horrible memories from 4 years ago which I can’t talk about because I’m not sure if my dad still reads this (if you do, can I talk about this? It’s fucking me up)
Being terrified over the future
Being worried about jobs, college and sixth form choices etc
Angry at myself over the fact that I freaked out at form (20 minutes after lunch and before 5th lesson) and the teacher was in a meeting and came back but I had no idea what to do and I felt so dizzy that I nearly fell over, and spent the rest of the time in the medical room because I felt too emotionally awful to do shit
Panicking over how many people I need to talk to because I feel guilty otherwise

Bloody hell, that was a long list. Sorry.

THIS is why I’m honest. There are many people who aren’t open on their blog, and that’s okay. Whatever way you express your feelings is fine; we all have our different methods.

This isn’t a post where I’m at a point where I start breaking and being scared of myself. It’s a way to organise my thoughts.

I have too much homework to do and too much stuff to organise and I’m too exhausted to do any of it.

From Elm πŸ™‚

What’s Going to Change?

Let’s jump back a year, shall we, when I knew none of you and I didn’t have this blog?

Alright. So, I was 14, and I was going into year 10.

I had a huge crush on Ash – it would turn into love 2 months later. Just THINK about that. I hadn’t experienced ANY of the pain that had come along with it.

I was still hurt over Rowan rejecting me 5 months ago – not angry, just a little sad.

And then, over the next year, things went to shit – and they also improved. Let’s see what happened:

I fell in love with Ash

I gained a best friend, then lost him

I went through too much pain

I became Gemma, then deleted that blog

I started this blog

I got rejected

I became good friends with Red

A friend left our group

I had a two-week long relationship

And you basically know the rest.

Can you see why I’m scared of going to school tomorrow?

I know, over the next 3 months, something bad will happen. Something REALLY bad, because it always does.

I’m just very worried.

A year ago, I hadn’t ever fallen in love. I hadn’t known what it was like to truly appreciate people and that scares me.

My older readers will understand what I mean when I say that from now on, my posts might not be as cheerful. I don’t really know; it depends what happens. For the newer readers – have a look at some of my REALLY old posts to get a feel of what I mean.

I’m going to try and be happy, but this year will be difficult. There will be Ash reminders EVERYWHERE, and on certain days, I doubt I’ll be able to talk to anyone. I’m sorry.

Bare with me through everything, guys. I’m still always going to be here for you. I just wanted to warn you that things might not be so great over the coming months. Stick with me, though?

You’re all great. Stay you, and stay strong.

From Elm πŸ™‚

PS: My first short story on my writing blog is up! πŸ™‚