What do you MEAN, You Didn’t Do The Awards?! ELM!

*deep breath*

OMFGIHAVENTDONEANYAWARDSATALLTHATIWASNOMINATEDFORSORRYSORRYSORRYOHGODIFEELSOBADNOW

TRANSLATION:

Oh my fucking god, I haven’t done ANY awards at all that I was nominated for. Sorry SORRY! Oh god, I feel so bad now.

WTF. I’ve been nominated for the Emoji Tag and the Blogger Recognition Award and the Liebster Award and I HAVEN’T DONE ANY OF THEM!!!

Okay. I feel terrible. I feel so ungrateful but I’m not – I’M SO HAPPY that you guys nominated me. Thank you all so much.

But I feel too crappy to do them. OH GOD, that sounds worse.

I don’t. have an excuse. I just feel a little crappy, but that’s no reason to not do the awards.

You know what? I’m going to start accepting awards FROM NOW ON. I promise. So after this, if you nominate me, I’ll do the award. I’ll try. I’ll try my best.

I’m so, so, so, so sorry. Oh god I feel SO bad now!

*breathe*

From Elm 🙂

PS: Thank you so much for all your help on my last post! I felt so guilty after posting it, but I managed.

Just Take Very Deep Breaths And-

I NEED to talk about love, right now, because I have nowhere else to say it.

It’s Birch‘s birthday today. If you don’t know who he is – long story short: sit next to him in history, had a rather large and irritating crush on him, told him two days before I went to France, got rejected in a way.

I don’t pretend to know much about love. I was, and would be if he talked to me again, genuinely in love with Ash. I don’t deny it; actually, I’m glad it happened.

It let me feel something. It showed me I COULD feel something. It caused me pain, but at least I had what I had with him.

But this one, with Birch, is hurting me.

There are occasions where I just want to let go. Like in France, I just… I didn’t act like myself in reference to “crushes”. I would have been disgusted with myself, but I’m not, because I WANTED to be like that for a week and a half, at least. I don’t WANT to take anything seriously after everything that’s happened because I WAS hurt by that rejection on the 17th, and the one the year and a half before, and every single thing that happened with Ash sends reminders to my brain and makes me feel miserable. Next year’s going to be so difficult.

But it’s Birch’s birthday. I miss the conversations we had, you know? I miss him, and sitting next to him because next year, we’ll most likely change seating plans and I will NOT get my hopes up.

I don’t know. I’m just sad, I suppose, with all the reminders coming in.

Occasionally, I also wish that somebody could see me for who I actually am – who I actually am, I won’t say. It’s almost like I want to have a serious relationship, but I really DON’T – not now, when everything’s so fresh; I just want something else and I don’t know.

Skyping bloggers yesterday and the day before helped so much, because it was nice, and hilarious, and I was talking with my actual voice and I forgot about everything for a few hours.

Why am I even sad? I don’t have a clue. It makes no sense, because I shouldn’t be sad. It’s just all built up, I think.

Sorry about this 😦 I’ve tried to stay happy these past weeks and it’s worked, apart from now.

Thank you SO much for reading. It means a lot.

From Elm 🙂

You Don’t Even Care, You Never Have, EVER EVER EVER

Ash.

Ash.

Ash.

Ash.

23 June. 15 days. That’s the longest I’ve done, I think, since this whole thing started. Can you get withdrawal symptoms from a person? Probably.

How long ago was it – 1 hour? An hour. No. HALF an hour. I don’t know. I don’t CARE.

He didn’t reply anyway, which is expected now, but still.

I don’t even want to remember what I wrote. Just asking if we were friends and how he was doing. Pathetic, for me; usually, I write more fluently. I guess I’ve just slipped out of habit because it’s been so “long”.

I’m not doing well. When I sent that message, I literally felt something twinge. It’s like when the walls close in on you, or they FEEL like they’re getting smaller. My wrists feel weak, and I had pain in my chest and a freezing feeling ALL OVER.

I’m getting flashbacks. Memories. Really awful ones. Awful, because they’re nice. Nice conversations. His voice. Standing in front of him. I only had that memory two times, and I remember them so clearly and I NEED to hold onto that. Laughing, smiling, getting the solid feeling in my chest that felt like butterflies, which was reassurance. Every time I got knocked down, he helped me. Every time he needed advice, I gave it, because I knew he’d always do the same for me. Every time we talked, I knew I loved him; every time we shared another part of our lives, we helped each other. Until we didn’t.

It’s like a fairy tale, but with no happy ending. There isn’t even a rebound to turn to because I might have talked to Birch once about this, but would he listen now?

I feel sick. I feel SO sick. I’ve moved on, I think, but I feel miserable and voletile, and I NEED someone. I love Ash. I think I will for a very long time, because I know too much about him to NOT understand him (I don’t understand him NOW, but I did). The only way I can get rid of that is to smash that emotion onto someone else and I CAN’T do that, because that’s unfair.

I’m more coherent than usual. I don’t feel like destroying everything. Right now, it’s not THAT kind of pain or sadness. I can usually tell.

Not that he cares, but I’d like him to. Not that he’s spoken to me properly in a long time, but I’d like him to. I just want to talk to him, you know? Find out if he’s okay. And that is the most cliché phrase I’ve ever heard, but who cares? I honestly don’t really mind about myself, but him? He’s one of the most loyal friends, when he IS your friend. He’s caring, when he’s your friend.

Whoops, looks like he’s not my friend. News fucking flash.

His name keeps on creeping up. His personality. Him. Phrases he said. That solid feeling of reassurance he let me feel.

I just miss him, I suppose. I’m not meaning to be depressive, but I can’t help it.

I think I need help. Proper help. I can’t tell my parents because they know nothing of what’s going on. I don’t want them to worry. I don’t want my other friends to worry.

I just feel really hollow, I suppose. It’s like the feeling where you HOPE for something but no matter what, it never comes. You get the leaping fear in your chest but you’re too scared, and you phrased it wrong.

I’m sorry. I need to be happier. Perhaps I should message or talk to Birch, but he’d never reply anyway. I don’t really see the point, to be honest.

I’m not VERY miserable. Just resigned. It’s not fair of me to say that, though. I SHOULDN’T be resigned. This isn’t a big deal, is it? It SHOULDN’T be.

Friends come, and friends go, and friends change, and PEOPLE change and I should just get over it. I tell myself that, but it hurts so much. He was only my friend for a year, but in that year we learned so much and grew so much and I loved so deeply and now it HURTS.

I can’t hate him. I can’t think of him as some bastard who broke my heart. He IS, but that’s not the point. I just CAN’T hate him.

I’m sorry. I wish I didn’t have to write this, but I need to remind myself of how I feel.

I need to do more to help you guys. Read more, comment more, give advice more, do ANYTHING but this. Anything but beating myself up. No matter what, though, I always think it’s my fault. If I’d been different, he would have trusted me NOW. We wouldn’t have suddenly just stopped talking.

Did the friendship mean something to him? Did those late night messages impact him, in any way? Did he ever feel like I did, staying up and reading them and just breathing, breathing, or was he talking to other people besides me and I didn’t matter? I HAVE to had mattered. That’s the one thing I ask.

I want my best friend back.

Err yeah… Hi…

Okay. I can do this.

Guys. I HAVE to take a break.

From posting, I mean. And reading blogs. It wouldn’t be fair if I just posted and didn’t read, and reading blogs is just WAY too stressful at the moment. Difficult to explain – I get panicked when I think of it. I might read SOME, but I won’t be up to my usual standard. I’m sorry.

I was better today. I didn’t hurt myself, I don’t think. Okay that’s a bit of a lie but just don’t ask, please. I can’t. And I won’t do it again, I promise, or I’ll try not to as best I can. because it’s a stupid thing to do. I didn’t do anything VERY bad, so please don’t worry about me.

That doesn’t mean to say that I won’t be here to talk if you need me. Of COURSE I will; everyone here has helped me too much for me to just abandon them. If you need anything – advice, help, or just a chat, don’t hesitate to email me or to message me on Kik. I’m here to help. I won’t think you’re whining, or that your problems aren’t significant compared to mine (they’re MORE significant!).

But I’m sorry. I just need to sort myself out. I’m going to town with my friends tomorrow, which will make me much happier, but it’s not fair to just bombard you with depressive posts that say the same thing. I won’t do that to you.

Thanks for all your help yesterday. I desperately needed it. Your advice was MUCH appreciated because yesterday was an awful, awful day.

Thank you.

I’m sorry.

I won’t be gone for long, I promise 🙂

I’ve Snapped

Trip to Belgium was canceled. And if you don’t get that, look on previous posts in the Birch situation.

I’m done.

I don’t care any more.

The one chance I had, gone. Fucking GONE. Like that.

I DARED to hope. Nothing ever goes right when I hope for it. Ever. Shouldn’t have expected any different.

People are disappointed because they’ve been looking forward to it all year. But I’m upset because this was my ONE break. From everything. This was the ONE time I could be happy with Birch and have a chance and no I can’t

Because I never have a chance anyway. Ever. No point in thinking otherwise.

Why am I writing this? Never gets me anywhere. It’s just a stupid, pathetic cry for help and that’s all I am.

When I found out I walked out after assembly and this awful girl Daisy was there and she was talking about the fact that it was canceled. I was so upset at that point that I just started swearing – I don’t remember what I said. Something along the lines of “I don’t fucking care any more fuck it I DON’T FUCKING CARE!” Then, she asked me to stop swearing and I snapped, completely, like I never have before at anyone.

I screamed at her to just stop it, stop it, and she yelled “What the FUCK Elm!”

She didn’t get it. Now everyone probably thinks I’m upset – “aww she’s crying because the history trip was canceled!” NO! No, it’s not that. You don’t get it!

Had a panic attack. I couldn’t breathe. I just kept on crying and crying and nearly screaming “I CAN’T BREATHE!” and freaking out and trying to get the tears away and it didn’t work and I always make a scene because I’m such a dramatic bitch.

Friend Pine was there, like she always is, and she said she wouldn’t know what she would do without me. She was so amazing and I think she was panicked but she helped me. I needed her and I was just so awful, and I don’t appreciate her. I just kept crying instead of saying thank you.

It hurts. I never have anything, because of my personality and I act like everything’s always awful and when I want something I become like a psycho and I’m scared

I had English after that. All through the lesson I was scared and shaking. I went to the toilet to calm. Wren was there and she helped me but I acted like a freak again and all I could do was cry and break down and NOTHING, I just feel pathetic.

Wren saw what I did to my hands and she asked me “What have you done?” and I just sobbed and said “I can’t I don’t know” I’m fucking stupid stupid stupid STUPID STUPID.

It wasn’t that bad, just scratches and why am I saying this, now everyone will think I’m a fucking coward stupid twat, and they’re right.

FUCKING MORON

JUST GO AND FUCK YOURSELF

YOU’RE FUCKING Useless no no fuck

I can’t do this.

I can’t do anything I’m overdramatic and it’s awful and people will get tired of my whining and constant breakdowns and they want happy people I’m not happy Birch doesn’t want sadness then he doesn’t want me knew it

Pathetic.

Im done.

I hate everything fuck this. I’m past the breaking point and I have no idea what to do.

I hate posting this. I hate it. I just feel too small and scared and there’s no point to posting this and I sometimes HATE reading these posts so sorry.

This isn’t the end of the world. They’ve postponed it until after the summer.

But now I have nothing to look forward to, and I’m stressed and angry and sad and worthless and I shouldn’t even be posting this because RL people will see but I don’t care any more I don’t care!

I’m not going to do anything stupid but I’m scared I will because I’m too fragile and too upset I shouldn’t even be upset but I am. It’s stupid. It’s only a little thing but for me it’s a massive thing because I THOUGHT things would work. They never did before so why should they now?

Whatever feelings fade over the summer; if he had anything for me it would be gone by September. Deal with it you fucktard

Bye

Massive Apologies

Alright guys.

I’ve not been very nice recently.

The challenge I created – it turns out that WASN’T an original idea of mine. It was (correctly) pointed out to me that this idea was a central part of somebody’s blog. I can only apologise for that “slipping my mind” – that’s not an excuse.

The blogger you SHOULD be crediting is Brutally Honest.

At the time, I remembered and that was stupid and I can only apologise for that. If this happens again, please PLEASE let me know.

Again, I’m REALLY sorry. I never meant to steal your idea, mainly because I didn’t realise it was yours. I don’t know how to explain myself.

Oh my God I’m a Train Wreck I Can’t

(Horrible painful post coming up. You’ve been warned)

Look. I know that people are going to try and tell me I’m not all the things I’m about to say I am. I know but it’s got to the point now where I don’t even care about myself.

I don’t know where this has stemmed from, but… Here we go.

It’s hilarious how I fail at everything.

I fail at being a nice person. I fail at helping people. I fail at accepting when people leave me. I fail at reining in my personality and I fail at preventing myself from looking for attention.

Birch is using me for homework. He doesn’t care about me. And I can’t believe I thought anything would work out because I’m too different and too serious and too just too ANYTHING. Mixed signals make me feel sick.

Cedar is a bastard and he doesn’t understand me; it’s nice to get caught up in the moment but REALLY! Grow the fuck up

And Ash. Ash hurts like the fucking hells. Whatever.

I should hate him. I shouldn’t care. He’s done nothing but ignore me for ages and I CAN’T forgive him for that, but I’m scared I’m missing something. There is something wrong with my reaction to all this.

I need somebody I need SOMEONE. I don’t know! I hate this all sometimes, I’m an overdramatic mood-switching attention-whore grudge-holding bitch.

I have no energy left.

My friendship group has shifted so drastically and I can’t deal with it. I get flashbacks of how things used to be sometimes and it hurts. I never, ever make an effort to make new friends or get to know anyone and I’m so judgemental and this shouldn’t bother me but why does it bother me? I’ve turned into a superficial idiot.

I remember conversations I had with Ash and it hurts worse and I can’t talk to anyone about it because I’ve said it all before and there’s no point. I don’t even know what I’m saying any more. It’s so numb and I don’t know what to do.

I don’t want to say, “Why does this always happen?” because that’s not fair, and it’s not true. It doesn’t. I don’t want to be selfish, anyway.

IS it selfish to want someone? What am I even saying!

That was awful I’m so sorry I fuck up everyone’s day because I’m a moody twat. I just need to be cheerful, hey maybe that’s why no one I EVER fancy would like me back, because I’m too serious

I’m going to go and read blogs. I’m an idiot; this is the worst post I have ever written. I’m sorry.