I’m a Work Fiend NO

So, Elm! What are you going to revise today?

Um. Biology, gonna do a past paper – hey, I should do two units like I’ll do on the day of the B2 and B3 exam, Then physics hopefully if I’m not too tired because I need to do 2 past papers and one’s optional, and OH WAIT I haven’t read through my entire poetry anthology for English – SHIT I need to re-read To Kill a Mockingbird and An Inspector Calls, and oh wait, I haven’t done the history revision I was supposed to do this week so I NEED to do that, and HA, what about music? OH GOD I haven’t done any-

STOP.

Right. I have… A problem? As you can see from the paragraph above, I’ve somewhat panicked myself – or rather, locked myself into a loop of “NO, I haven’t done this and this and this, so I NEED to do that right now because my exams start in 39 days!”

I swear I always do this. I’m going to devote an ENTIRE day to revision (with breaks) but I’m terrified I’m not doing enough. What if I’m doing this all wrong? How can I make the revision go in, without panicking? The fact I’m revising is good, but again, am I doing something wrong?!

Alright. CALM DOWN. I AM scared, but I just have to take deep breaths. I’m DEFINITELY doing biology today, and physics too, as well as physics tomorrow. Then, I’ll give myself a break, even though everything is screaming at me to NOT do that, and to just work work work work. (That STUPID shitty Rihanna song is now stuck in my head WAHEYYY).

Have any of you got exams coming up, and if so, what are your strategies for coping? When the exams get closer I’m going to hide in a corner and just scream my lungs out.

From Elm ๐Ÿ™‚

Breathe just BREATHE OKAY

No, no, NO.

I am in a panic right now and my hands are shaking like mad and I can barely write, but here goes.

My mock exams start on 11 January and I’ve barely revised for shit. I’m an idiot. GOD DAMN IT, TELL ME I’M AN IDIOT PLEASE, I deserve it.

Why, Elm? Why? Shit shit shit SHIT SHIT! This is my fault. Utterly my fault.

I wrapped myself into a world of fantasy, thinking they wouldn’t come, THINKING I’d get my act together. But guess what? They HAVE come and I HAVEN’T got my act together.

I’m so stupid. SO stupid. Why didn’t I revise before? Why am I SO SHIT? Why can’t I just be damned normal and get my act together NOW, even when I’m panicking so badly I’m nearly crying? What’s wrong with me?

It’s too late. It’s too fucking late. I’m going to fail these because I just CAN’T BE ARSED TO REVISE and I didn’t take this seriously. Stupid, stupid, STUPID. What happened to the me that LOVED to learn and would actually REVISE for shit?

Oh my god. I feel like curling into a ball and ceasing to exist. That seems like an overreaction, but I’ve just realised how incredibly dumb I am.

Hopefully, these feelings will pass by the morning. I SHOULD have done more. I NEED to do more. WHY didn’t I?

They say it’s never too late, but for me it is, because I have no hope in hell of doing well now. That pathetic excuse for revision I did before is just that.

Fucking idiot.

I’m sorry, guys. I’m just really angry. I can’t take Christmas OR my birthday off now. Boo fucking hoo, do well in your exams then you moron.

From Elm ๐Ÿ™‚

I’m Getting There

Last night, I cried for the first time without a messed-up breakdown accompanying it, and when I was on my own. Usually, I cry when people are around me and it gets quite frantic and horrible, but yesterday it was almost… Calm?

And I’m damn proud of myself.

That probably sounds weird, but when I cry usually, I get the worst headache and I want to punch something, or myself, or both. After yesterday’s horrendous post, I felt so shit and at about 11, I spoke to Aspen and he helped me so much. As in he literally talked things out with me when I was on the virge of crying and breaking down. I don’t understand how he can be here for me and be so amazing when I get like that, but there you go.

I was freaking out over my maths homework, over myself and my lack of motivation, but he helped me. EVERYTHING, from yesterday, helped me. I’ve realised I CAN change and it’s okay to feel like this, and even if I’m scared, I can get through it.

When I got off the phone to Aspen, I just cried.It wasn’t the manic crying I usually get: I just felt tears sliding down my face and I let it happen without choking and without clenching my hands into fists. I just lay there and cried for a little while – not too long because the tears stopped after a little. Does that mean it didn’t affect me? No – I felt terrified, alone, empty – but I didn’t feel violent.

That makes me happy. Maybe it was just for yesterday, but I think what Aspen said to me sunk in. What YOU guys said to me sunk in. At the time of speaking to Aspen, I did feel quite unhinged and just so sad, but then, it got better. It usually doesn’t, but then, it did. For some reason. I think I’m getting… I wouldn’t say better, but I’m getting there.

Today, I walked into school and just thought, “Oh, fuck this. I need help.” Help, I mean, for the past paper. Instead of just ignoring it and shaking like a leaf like I usually do, I walked into the back room of the VI (visually impaired building for le blindy people OKAY NO I’m never referring to it like that again), stopped for about 2 minutes, then walked back into the front and asked for help.

Guys. I asked for help. Whereas I would often feel like crying and feel horrendous for doing it, NOW, I felt okay. Not GOOD, but okay; I got the nerve and stuck with it.

True, the paper’s due tomorrow and I could have asked for help before, but with me I have to gear up for asking for it. I may get yelled at tomorrow for not doing the entire paper, but it’s mostly because the teacher doesn’t understand the hatred I have for myself when it comes to things like that.

It’s one step at a time. This one’s just small, but I managed to break past that barricade of thought that stopped me asking the teacher to help me today. It might be too late now, because I can’t ask for help as it’s due tomorrow, but I managed it today.

I managed it, thanks to you guys and your words and thanks to my thoughts not going haywire on me. It was weird yesterday to not go to bed despising myself as I did before, because after my crying, I didn’t feel drained: I just felt… Okay. I think.

Thank you. I’m not perfect, but I’m taking it a little at a time. I wish I’d gone through this all sooner, but I didn’t, and I’m just going to have to live with it.

I WILL be okay. In time.

From Elm ๐Ÿ™‚

Asking for Help is So Tricky

I just emailed my english teacher.

I mean, it nearly reduced me to tears, but I needed to do it. I struggled over a homework that should have taken 20 minutes, and I couldn’t do it, when ordinarily I WOULD be able to.

I find it difficult to ask for help. I always have. It makes me feel selfish/worthless/useless – and I KNOW that’s ridiculous; I’m beginning to accept that it’s stupid. Whether it be help for homework, help with emotions, help on ANYTHING – I end up shaking and nearly crying and feeling weak, but it’s getting better.

The fear’s nearly choking me, but I’m getting better. I’ve GOT to ask for help. I can’t do this alone and damned if I’m letting myself waste away because of this. I’ve got so much to live for.

You know when you panic and feel so helpless that you feel hot and then cold all over? Yup.

I need to call Childline. I need to call them now.

Okay. I called. That actually helped so much. My voice shook so badly throughout, and I could barely think, but the woman was so nice and just talked shit through with me. About a minute before I called, I just thought that nobody actually cared etc etc, but now I’m realising they do. I’m nearly in tears but they’re half-good and half-bad tears and I’m okay. I’m getting BETTER.

Contacting my English teacher was a good idea. I get that now. And I talked EVERYTHING through with the Childline counsellor and I needed it. I still feel sick, but I needed that. And OH SHIT, I haven’t done my maths for tomorrow.

You know what, guys? Asking for help isn’t so bad. I’m panicking over my revision timetable and the fact that I haven’t prepared it, but I’m okay. I haven’t wanted to self-distruct for at least an hour and that’s such an improvement.

Help still scares me beyond thought. I need to accept that I need it, though. I’ve got to recover – and GOD, this isn’t even serious! Not at all! My problems are insignificant. Like, I’m so worried about my friend on top of my other worries, and I don’t think distracting myself with that worry is a good thing.

I’m okay. DAMNIT, I’m okay. I needed the childline call because otherwise, things would have got really bad. Aspen helped me so so much, but then shit got really bad after I stopped talking to him, and yeah. This post happened.

Thanks for reading, everyone. Thanks for always putting up with me.

From Elm ๐Ÿ™‚

I HATE YOU EXAMS I HATE YOU SO MUCH OH MY GOD

I am so stressed right now and the exams I referred to in the title aren’t even that serious. To those starting your GCSE exams after Easter, you have it WAY worse. I’m sorry for whinging ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

Exams and things I have to worry about right now (I start school tomorrow oh fuck)

1. My French speaking GCSE assessment (the second one). I have to learn 5 paragraphs and I’ve done that but I stutter.

2. An English Lit coursework thing which is worth 20 percent of the WHOLE FUCKING GCSE. And the title? “Explore the ways in which writers present emotional relationships in Shakespeare’s Macbeth and a range of poetry, bow contemporary and from the English Literary Heritage.” I shit you not. I want to cry. It’s way too much, and there’s too much to write about, and I don’t know what to do.

3. My Sociology assessment on Tuesday that I completely forgot about and I’ve revised a bit (before Easter) but Jesus it’s on all we’ve done this year (mass media) and to top it all off, I haven’t even done one of the essays I was supposed to because of stuff… Eh.

4. Small Physics test on radiation but I’ll probably do crap because I can’t remember things.

5. A biology test, which I forgot about and was reminded of today, on genes and inheritance. Oh yeah, and I missed the last 2 lessons because I was on a revision course. Fucking hell

Like I said, I haven’t even scraped the surface of exams yet. But I can’t deal with this because I’ve already had to deal with really shitty emotional stress because of friendships this Easter, and I have to do so much revision that it’s just piling on and I feel sick.

I am such a whining twat. Sorry guys ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

From the Elmitron