The Stay Strong Tag

Hi guys,
I’m sorry for not posting this sooner; a family friend who used to live next door to my dad died two days ago and although I wasn’t close to him, it still saddens me and so I’ve been a little out of sorts since yesterday evening.

I’m going to do a tag today which is quite personal to me.

This is the Stay Strong Tag. Created by Penny from My Life Anonymously, it’s a way to talk about, raise awareness for and to help people through suicide and experiences associated with it. If this topic triggers anybody, I’m really sorry; I thought I would put a warning up now just in case.

There are two rules to this tag:
1. Put the Supergirl (or Superman image if you’re a guy) on your post.
2. Mention the creator of the tag and provide a link.

Some people hear about others killing themselves and glance over it – “Oh, that’s sad”, and move on; “I wonder how that happened,” and then they go onto do something else; “Couldn’t they have waited until things got a bit better – was killing themselves really necessary?” and then quickly look away, not realising how much their words can hurt.

Suicide is not selfish. It’s not the coward’s way out. It’s a last scream for help when people think others aren’t listening; it’s a way out when people don’t think they have any other option; it’s a tragedy but not something that people can just “stop doing” because if you want to die, you sometimes can’t get rid of those feelings and save them for a more ‘convenient’ time.

I have never wanted to kill myself or tried, but on occasions I’ve wanted to die: cease existing, just end, not permanently but for a bit. It doesn’t make sense, but in those moments I was absolutely terrified. Although I knew that I would never kill myself – never truly try to – I knew I wanted to die, and that I thought that the world would not even blink at my passing. I thought and still think life is pointless sometimes, and that if I were to just die, it wouldn’t matter. Because my self-esteem and self-worth is low, I go through periods of feeling miserable and scared.

I’m telling you this because I want you to know that I understand a little of what you may go through. That feeling that people just don’t care? I understand. But I also understand being proved wrong.

When I was 11, one of my relatives tried to kill themselves, and I woke up to them screaming. It is singularly one of the worst memories I have ever experienced, and ever since then when I had what you may term ‘suicidal thoughts’, I remember the horror of that night, of not understanding, of realising years later that there was so much I could have done to help. I was only 11, and realistically couldn’t have done much because I didn’t know what they were going through at the time, but the guilt still remained. It’s no use dwelling on guilt, though, and so I had to move on: it’s stayed with me though, and made me realise that for everything, people still care.

If you feel like you want to die, the best thing you can do is talk about it. Nobody knows the true extent to how bad my thoughts used to get, and I wish I had felt brave enough to talk to someone about it. Remember that people are here to listen to you, and won’t shun your problems. Either they’ve experienced it themselves, know someone who has or can empathise with you.

People do care – more than you’d think. If you feel like your friends can’t help you, and your family wouldn’t talk to you, contact a professional. There are many suicide prevention hotlines which you can contact, and websites which you can visit. You are not alone, because there are a myriad of people who will gladly extend a hand to you. Take that first step to get help: and if you can’t, someone else can. Concerned for you, people will go out of their way to make sure you’re okay.

Anyone could tell these things to you, but I’m telling as a friend. I know what it’s like to feel like you’re screaming and no one’s hearing you, and not being able to let people hear you. It’s so terrifying to reach out, but you can do it. You aren’t just a statistic, a number in a list.

You can’t be expected to recover in a day: it takes time, but don’t give up. Don’t ever give up on yourself because if you feel like nobody cares about you, it’s up to you to start caring about your health. You’re not worthless.

Don’t suffer in silence: the world needs your voice.

Love from Elm 🙂

I’m Facing Up to It

Trigger warning for this post. It mentions suicide and self harm. I’m sorry about this.

I have something to say.

Yesterday, at about 11 at night, I signed up to the ChildLine website.

At the time, things in my head weren’t bad. In fact, about two hours before, I’d had the happiest half hour of my life with my sister. I knew, though, that I’d need it the day after, or the day after that, or the day after that or any day.

It’s a complicated thing. At the time of creating it, I was terrified but I felt oddly relieved. My advice to you is that if you feel awful and you just can’t do anything anymore, sign up. I’m sure it will help, because my friends have said positive things about it.

This is so difficult to talk about, but I thought I’d let you know. It will be even more difficult with real life people reading this, but you guys deserve the truth – I wish I didn’t have to say it this way. It’s making me feel cold.

There’s a point where you have to realise you can’t do this alone. Your friends help so much, but sometimes, your thoughts get so terrifyingly bad and so painful that you are so scared you’ll do something. You want to try this new thing out, to see how much it will help, because you need it. You have to face up to the fact that you aren’t strong right now.

I think the website will help me. I can get advice there from counsellors, and other people, and maybe I’ll find someone to talk to. I don’t necessarily need it, because I have a blog and all of my friends on here are wonderful, but I’m scared.

Like, really scared. I’ll explain why, and this is the part where if you’re affected by mentions of suicide and self-harm, stop reading. I know what it feels like to be triggered, and you shouldn’t go through that.

Don’t be alarmed by this next bit, please? It’s okay. I’m okay, but I need to say it.

Yesterday, and on Wednesday, I wanted to die.

Fuck. This is horrible to write down, but I need to explain.

I still can’t face up to what happened on Tuesday, but it affected me badly. On Wednesday, in maths, I fucked my wrists up with my hands so badly that the next day, I could feel it. All through the day I was screaming inside my head. Yesterday was even worse because all I wanted was for an accident to come along and kill me. That’s the truth and I’m sorry.

And today, the thoughts got even worse, because I realised how unsocial I am and hated myself all through history. History is where I sit next to Birch – look on my Who’s who, exactly? page to find out who he is because I’m exhausted.

I felt hopeless. Couldn’t do any work. I haven’t done anything to myself since yesterday, but I feel so dead that it’s scaring me.

I’m so, so sorry about this. You shouldn’t have to read this but I can’t help it; I need to scream my thoughts onto a post because this is destroying me. This is why I set up the Childline account. I need the help, frankly, and I need to realise I do.

I won’t kill myself. That’s out of the question and I don’t think I CAN explain why, as much as I want to because it’s been hurting me for 4 years. I gave too much away then. Sorry.

I can’t help feeling awful and terrible, and every time anyone spoke to me today I either wanted to cry, hit them or hit myself. I think people noticed I was miserable, but I have no energy to pretend any more. I’m done.

All in all, I need to do something about my mental health, now. I was ready to scream at teachers today because they didn’t understand, but it’s time for me to make myself feel better, in any way I can.

This is going to fuck me up for a while. I knew that the minute I did what I did that caused all this. My thoughts are still screaming at me; I feel as numb as anything, and I know my friends will be worried once I post this. I’M worried. Just don’t panic, okay? I’m here and always will be.

Yesterday, I told myself that there was nothing left to live for. I felt the whole ‘Live your life!’ attitude slipping between my fingers, and then shouted at myself and chalked it up to bullshit. I don’t think that anymore.

I still think everything’s pointless and I feel horribly weak, but I’m okay. I’m taking little steps to make myself okay.

In history, I tried to cheer myself up by talking to Birch, but it failed. He was talking to other people about a party and, like I said, I realised how much of a closed-off awful person I am.

If any of you feel awful, you can always talk to me. Talk to your friends, your family, or sign up for Childline or a similar service in your country. You shouldn’t ever have to feel alone or like the world hates you, or that you have nothing left, like I did.

You’re only by yourself if you shut yourself away.

From Elm 🙂