The Smaller Part of Me

Trigger warning for mentions of self-harm; this is a hopeful post, though. If you ever feel how I felt, you’re not going through this alone if I have anything to say about it.

A huge part of me wants to blank out what happened today, but a small part of me just wants to remember and scream and cry and let those emotions out.

The large part of me wants to forget the uselessness of how I felt in physics. It wants to forget the violent anger I had at my teaching assistant, when she hadn’t had time to adapt work for me because of my crappy eyesight. It wants to forget that even though it wasn’t her fault, I felt miserable and felt like crying and yelling at her and THAT’s why I was so upset; it wants to forget that the teacher said I should ask my parents for help over the holidays when they don’t understand that’s tricky. It wants to forget that I felt choked and scared and that I could barely do any work, that I felt so frustrated because everybody else understood it, that I was shaking like a leaf with the dawning horror that I am failing at this. It wants to forget that I sat there, for 10 minutes at least, doing nothing because I had literally nobody to talk to and I was too terrified to speak to anyone even if I wanted to.

It needs to forget that I wanted to wrap my hands around my throat and squeeze until I choked, that I applied pressure to the front of my neck so that I felt short of breath, as a PREVENTATIVE measure. It needs to forget that I wanted to break my wrist, my hand, that I bent my fingers back to try and stop myself. It needs to forget that in maths and then physics, my wrists felt weak and I hated everyone and everything, but most of all myself; it needs to forget that I wanted to scream until my throat caught on fire and twist my wrists so hard they snapped.

But you know what, Elm?

Wanting and needing doesn’t always get. You try to forget, and you do it again. You forget and you can’t be strong from it.

If you knock down those foundations, however weak they are, you can’t EVER build on them and make them better. Your house is going to collapse; you’re going to fall over. It’s how it works.

GET UP, Elm. You’re stronger than this.

The small part of me is thinking that if it cries, it will go psychotic, but it’s better than blanking it out. Blanking it means it’ll come back MUCH worse next time.

So, I’ll cry, when I need to. I’ll put my hands behind my back and let the tears fall, WITHOUT going mental on myself. It’s how I calmed down last time. I may still hate myself, but damned if I’m letting anything happen to me, because I know you guys don’t want that. You’ve shown me, time and time again, that you care.

You’ve got two extremes: forgetting about it totally, and remembering it so much that it does damage. I’ve always had difficulty balancing those two, but I’m trying. Now, I just need to collect my thoughts: I’m truly scared because I didn’t understand the work today and I had some pretty bad thoughts, but you know, that’s what happens sometimes.

If you’re going through something similar to this, or you blame yourself for ANYTHING, know that you can always talk to me or anyone else you trust. I don’t care WHAT your story is, what you’ve been through – I’ll ALWAYS listen and not judge you, because I have no right.

Today was a lesson for me. Hopefully, I’ll learn from it.

I need to listen to the smaller part of myself.

From Elm 🙂

Don’t Ever Give Up

TRIGGER FRICKING WARNING: Okay, don’t read this post if you’re affected by mentions of self-harm. Seriously. I won’t be in the least bit offended; I’d prefer it if you DIDN’T read it than if you felt awful afterwards.

Now is the time where I think I either need to call Childline or to get help because GODDAMN, I’m not giving up and I won’t let myself waste away.

I actually have no words to describe how horrendous today was.

After yesterday and the weird pleasantness of it, I wasn’t even EXPECTING today to be as awful as it was, but there you go.

I think there were several factors to it. Yesterday, I did something stupid: I looked back on the conversations I used to have with my ex-best friend Ash. I don’t know what was worse: the arguments or the lovely messages. But it made me feel freezing all over and so miserable that I could barely think. Luckily, I was talking to Aspen at the time, and he managed (just by being there) to stop my mind from truly messing up.

And today in biology, I didn’t understand the entirety of the work, which is ridiculous because I SHOULD have, but my mind hit a total roadblock. I couldn’t do anything. I just felt this pressure building in every part of me, and then a cloud of “FUCK THIS!” descended.

Stop reading now if you’re affected by self-harm.

And well, the mounting frustration and the pain I felt over Ash yesterday caused me to scratch at my wrists. Kind of badly. In the end it became almost hypnotic and I couldn’t stop, but I drew no blood. I was horrified then, and pulled my jumper down to hide it.

In English, I was so panicked and so scared of myself. My friend Holly had done something – told one of our friends that another of our friends liked them – and I thought she was going to tell other people she did that and so I snapped at her, and she freaked and I felt awful and she was angry at me (because I think that I was butting into other people’s business). I felt so awful that I had to show Wren my wrists, because to be honest, I only trust her with that part of me. She’s seen it before and I needed someone to tell me how bad it was.

Yeah. It was worse than I thought. They don’t hurt anymore but apparently I made a cut, and I explained to Wren, between working, a little bit of what happened. I felt so fragile and so horrified that I was just staring at nothing (I think) and my english teacher asked if I was okay, because he’s the only one out of the teachers who actually gives a proper shit about mental health.

I don’t want to be like this. I’m worried and angry and scared of myself. The only thing that cheered me up today was two of my friends (I didn’t even consider one of them a friend until today) randomly walked up to me at lunch and talked to me, when they often play football then. Kind of reminded me that I’m not a damn social outcast.

I need to do something. If not for myself then for you guys, because I know you don’t want me to be hurting. It’s the only thing motivating me to get this sorted. I CAN’T do this on my own, because climbing the wall to recovery sometimes takes more than one person, and I’m trying to be strong enough to admit that I’ll need the help.

It’s not serious. I WON’T pretend it is, because that’s bloody disrespectful. I’m just one person with a tiny problem, but I’ll have to fix that problem. I’m just worried I’ll snap worse before I do, but the thing is, I’m willing to try and make my mind okay again.

I had a serious conversation with Red at lunch, as well, about Ash. It didn’t contribute to the pain on my wrists because that damage had already been done, but I’m glad I spoke to him. I needed to get it out from yesterday.

Don’t worry, okay? I promise I’ll be fine at some point soon. You know me – something will happen to make me feel happy. It’s what I live for, after all. I just have my days and even though they’re getting more frequent (which scares me), I’m NEVER willing to give up the hope that I’ll be okay.

I’m not willing to lie down and scream for my life to end. I’m not willing to run round looking for attention as I would have done a year ago. I’m not willing to offload my problems onto ONE person like I’ve done before. I’m not willing to think I’m alone.

Because I’m not alone.

If you’re hurting, now, don’t lock it inside. Tell me, or post about it, or talk to friends. You’re just one person in a sea, and sometimes, you need someone to help you make the raft that will keep you afloat.

From Elm 🙂

I’m Facing Up to It

Trigger warning for this post. It mentions suicide and self harm. I’m sorry about this.

I have something to say.

Yesterday, at about 11 at night, I signed up to the ChildLine website.

At the time, things in my head weren’t bad. In fact, about two hours before, I’d had the happiest half hour of my life with my sister. I knew, though, that I’d need it the day after, or the day after that, or the day after that or any day.

It’s a complicated thing. At the time of creating it, I was terrified but I felt oddly relieved. My advice to you is that if you feel awful and you just can’t do anything anymore, sign up. I’m sure it will help, because my friends have said positive things about it.

This is so difficult to talk about, but I thought I’d let you know. It will be even more difficult with real life people reading this, but you guys deserve the truth – I wish I didn’t have to say it this way. It’s making me feel cold.

There’s a point where you have to realise you can’t do this alone. Your friends help so much, but sometimes, your thoughts get so terrifyingly bad and so painful that you are so scared you’ll do something. You want to try this new thing out, to see how much it will help, because you need it. You have to face up to the fact that you aren’t strong right now.

I think the website will help me. I can get advice there from counsellors, and other people, and maybe I’ll find someone to talk to. I don’t necessarily need it, because I have a blog and all of my friends on here are wonderful, but I’m scared.

Like, really scared. I’ll explain why, and this is the part where if you’re affected by mentions of suicide and self-harm, stop reading. I know what it feels like to be triggered, and you shouldn’t go through that.

Don’t be alarmed by this next bit, please? It’s okay. I’m okay, but I need to say it.

Yesterday, and on Wednesday, I wanted to die.

Fuck. This is horrible to write down, but I need to explain.

I still can’t face up to what happened on Tuesday, but it affected me badly. On Wednesday, in maths, I fucked my wrists up with my hands so badly that the next day, I could feel it. All through the day I was screaming inside my head. Yesterday was even worse because all I wanted was for an accident to come along and kill me. That’s the truth and I’m sorry.

And today, the thoughts got even worse, because I realised how unsocial I am and hated myself all through history. History is where I sit next to Birch – look on my Who’s who, exactly? page to find out who he is because I’m exhausted.

I felt hopeless. Couldn’t do any work. I haven’t done anything to myself since yesterday, but I feel so dead that it’s scaring me.

I’m so, so sorry about this. You shouldn’t have to read this but I can’t help it; I need to scream my thoughts onto a post because this is destroying me. This is why I set up the Childline account. I need the help, frankly, and I need to realise I do.

I won’t kill myself. That’s out of the question and I don’t think I CAN explain why, as much as I want to because it’s been hurting me for 4 years. I gave too much away then. Sorry.

I can’t help feeling awful and terrible, and every time anyone spoke to me today I either wanted to cry, hit them or hit myself. I think people noticed I was miserable, but I have no energy to pretend any more. I’m done.

All in all, I need to do something about my mental health, now. I was ready to scream at teachers today because they didn’t understand, but it’s time for me to make myself feel better, in any way I can.

This is going to fuck me up for a while. I knew that the minute I did what I did that caused all this. My thoughts are still screaming at me; I feel as numb as anything, and I know my friends will be worried once I post this. I’M worried. Just don’t panic, okay? I’m here and always will be.

Yesterday, I told myself that there was nothing left to live for. I felt the whole ‘Live your life!’ attitude slipping between my fingers, and then shouted at myself and chalked it up to bullshit. I don’t think that anymore.

I still think everything’s pointless and I feel horribly weak, but I’m okay. I’m taking little steps to make myself okay.

In history, I tried to cheer myself up by talking to Birch, but it failed. He was talking to other people about a party and, like I said, I realised how much of a closed-off awful person I am.

If any of you feel awful, you can always talk to me. Talk to your friends, your family, or sign up for Childline or a similar service in your country. You shouldn’t ever have to feel alone or like the world hates you, or that you have nothing left, like I did.

You’re only by yourself if you shut yourself away.

From Elm 🙂