Why Telling the Truth is Good

When you’re in a difficult situation, where your brain convinces you to lie to someone because you think it’ll hurt less (it doesn’t) and because you’re scared of them thinking worse of you, telling the truth after that can be extremely tricky. It can hurt both yourself and others but there are a lot of positives to doing it and getting over your fear. On Wednesday, I told two of my best friends the entire truth about a situation that I had experienced three months ago or so and though I sobbed like a child in the nearly deserted common room, it was worth it and it needed to be done.

Upon explaining everything, both to them and another friend before, I came to rather, lise that I’ve been lying to the point where it’s damaged relationships. Telling the truth may be hard but it’s necessary for you to feel happy. If you’re struggling over telling someone something, I want to explain some of the positives to you.

It strengthens relationships
Admitting you lied to someone is really nervewracking and they may be annoyed at you for it. I’ve certainly experienced that but what I found, above all on Wednesday, was that people much prefer it when you tell them the truth. If you’re honest and tell them how much you fucked up, it shows them that you trust them. Trust may be broken at first because they may believe that you didn’t trust them enough to tell them the truth in the first place but when you admit that to them, it can add a level of understanding to your friendships. I won’t lie: it could go the other way but the gamble of honesty is worth it.

Things aren’t so complex
Not only does lying upset other people but it can leave your head in a mess as you try and remember who knows what; it’s a horrible state to be in because you can end up manipulating people. It is only natural, therefore, that you should remove those feelings as soon as possible. One of the easiest ways to do that is to tell as many people the truth as you can who you’ve lied to; it clears it up, lets people in on how you’re feeling and makes your head less cluttered. People have asked me why I’ve been feeling so awful but I haven’t been able to explain it properly until I told Wren and Red everything that went on. The simple act of explaining it caused my mind to relax a little from the painful twisting state it had been in; the first person I truly told[q~@]- who I’d lied to – started that relieving; my other friends carried it on.

You feel happier and less awful
Guilt is a central part to lying and it’s one of the worst consequences of doing something horrible. By owning up to it and telling someone, it doesn’t weigh as heavy: it’s still there, especially because of the disappointment that is (rightfully) displayed at how you lied, but at least some of it goes away. You also feel happier because for me, a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I didn’t have to hide or pretend and if I hadn’t told the truth, I would have fallen apart. I was already doing that and it took me explaining shit for me to understand just how bad it was.

You can show people you’re able to move forward
If you’ve got your own thoughts for company, wherein only you know how you’ve been feeling or what you’ve been doing, it means you can’t move on. If you’re good at sorting out your own feelings then it’s okay but if you’re like me, the thoughts spin round and round in your head with no resolution. It hurts and does me no good. On the contrary, sharing things with other people helped me to face up to it and understand what I’d done; it really allows you to move on from the situation by forcing the results of it to become apparent to you.

You can understand who your true friends are
Lying is only an okay thing when it will have no consequences for anyone. When it does and you then tell someone the truth, it’s natural and understandable that they’ll be upset with you. In fact, I’d want people to be angry with me for misjudging their personality enough to lie to them. It absolutely wasn’t fair of me to do that. However, when I told Wren and Red, they explained that they still loved me, always have and always would and that this wouldn’t change that. I figured out that the people who are my real friends, who – whether sensible or not – would stick by me are the ones that can see the reasons why I lied and let me make up for it, as well as move forward. Some things are unforgivable and I don’t blame people for being upset with me because I would be but I know that if such trust is lost by lying, perhaps it would be best that the person distanced themselves from me.

You aren’t superhuman. You’re going to make mistakes, lie and upset people. It’s alright to do that. However, as terrifying as it is, telling the truth can make things a lot easier. Not in all cases but in a lot of them, honesty can be the best solution.

If you’re hurting right now and don’t understand why someone did what they did, think about it from their perspective. That can apply to those who lied and those who are angry because you lied. There are always more than two sides to a story.

From Elm 🙂

Silver, but Never Gold

Firstly, I’m actually happy to say that this isn’t one of my give-me-pity posts. I realised something about me today and I want to share it, in the hopes that you understand a little more of how I work. It bothers me, but I’m not altogether upset.

In a deep corner of my mind, I have convinced myself that I’m never ‘first’ for anyone. I’ve mentioned it sometimes before on my blog, a fleeting comment, but today was the day where I accepted that it’s how I think and no common sense can get rid of it.

Perhaps I’m not making sense. I constantly get the paranoia that my friends – or anyone around me for that matter – always have somebody better to talk to, someone who they’ll always need more. It’s not because my friends’ actions hint at it – they are amazing people and let me feel accepted – it’s just a horrible feeling I can’t shake, even when a little part of me knows it’s not true.

I tell myself I’m not good enough, that I’m altogether worthless because at the end of the day, people wouldn’t come to ME for help. There would always be another person, someone better, more reliable – god, this all sounded more fluid and better in my head. I suppose that’s how things are, though; in your mind it all flows, but down in words it’s jagged lines and half-formed sentences.

Jealousy creeps, like a mist. You don’t realise the volume of it until it engulfs you, and when it receeds you feel dirty and like you’re something wrong. I can’t exactly pinpoint where it stems from – an ofhand comment from a friend, something I’m not invited to even though there’d be no chance of me going anyway. Just… Something tiny.

People don’t even realise that I feel like this; that’s the worst part. I’m not secure: in how I feel about myself, how I think others see me, and the sooner I understand that the better. I hate to be all introspective and melancholic, but I can’t help the sheer fact that I feel like I’d never be someone’s first choice.

I don’t want to make anyone feel guilty. To quote a cliché phrase – it’s not you, it’s me. Even by posting this, I might make people I know tread on glass around me, always worried that I’d snap and think I was nothing to them. It might cause them to treat me differently, force them to pay more attention – but I don’t want that. I jwant people to understand and not think of me as fragile.

I almost think it’s pathetic: a friend talking about how close they are with one of my close friends doesn’t make me sad – it makes me jealous and dislike myself, because I think I can never have that friendship with that person because I’m NOT FIRST. Often, it doesn’t phase me; I’m fine with just being a person because I know that people care and love me. But sometimes, I let it bother me, and I go through all the friends I have and ask myself who’s better friends with them, why said friends wouldn’t go to me, all the reasons calculated in my head. It’s destructive, and makes me feel so lonely that I could choke, but I can’t stop. Rather than anger, it’s a twisted form of comparison.

Pushing myself into the background, because I’m possessive and if I trust someone completely, I’m too terrified of being replaced and getting creepy or being too THERE. Not that that’s ever stopped me – the list of people I trust is long – but it means that at the fear of a break of trust, I wonder who they’d go to. Not me – someone else, and that thought makes me irrationally sad. I told you I was a tad possessive with my friends… Tis not good.

Do I really matter? I’m contemplating that question now, calm saturating my mind, wondering why such sadness builds up in me when I hear about a friend trusting someone with something before me. Or just… Not telling me something, and making it very clear they aren’t going to. Either because they don’t trust me, or I’m just the step below a bronze medal to them. That hurts, but luckily I’ve come to accept that people have different opinions of me.

You see, I’m honestly not upset. It might seem like it, because I was earlier, but now it’s more of a bleak thought. If I was first for everyone, I’d consider it selfish and purposefully shove myself away. I’d be so overelmed that I’d start to shut myself off even more than I already have. I’m open, yes, but the tangled sprawl that is occasionally my mind isn’t shown to anyone, least of all me.

It’s doubtful that, if people told me I was the first person they’d go to, I’d believe them. I’d either think that they were trying to make me feel better, or they’d read this post and were trying to make me feel better. More times than not, I WON’t be the first; I’ll just be the second or the third, or even an afterthought. I’ve pretended to trust so many people at the cost of my own health that I know exactly what it’s like to do that. I trust my friends, all of my close ones, and so I know that they’d come to me if something was seriously wrong. It just takes a long time for me to properly believe that, because I find it difficult to trust about the big things.

Fuck, this post turned out more sad than I intended. Other people seeing you sad is one thing, but feeling yourself fill up and then drain of it is another. It leaves you with a gaping emptiness that is then filled with the trust I so want.

What I need to know is that people are there for me, in whatever capacity – gold, silver, bronze, or just a certificate. I feel like I’ll never be gold, that I fall short of that mark always, and the true extent of how much I believe that hit me today. This morning, I was sad, bitter, resigned and then finally, I remembered that as long as I was there for people, I’d feel more okay with myself. If I was there for them, I could help them and that’s what makes me smile.

I’m happy with being silver.

From Elm 🙂

Little Piece of Their Heart

This post was inspired by a wonderful post by a blogger called Sophie, which you can read here. I’m going to write about what she wrote about, but in my own way, I suppose.

When someone tells me something – something personal, or sensitive, I store it away in my heart. I take it and hold it close, not sharing it if I truly care about them because they trusted me. Perhaps I’m not trustworthy, but when something matters, I keep it.

There are some beautiful, brave people in this world who I would have never discovered if they hadn’t told me things. Because of that, I know what trust feels like – to be trusted, and to trust. It’s a funny word, that; laden with so much meaning but thrown away so easily. In itself, it’s always meant a lot to me, because it’s the one thing I can keep and that I can solidly say is something I am. Trusted.

When someone tells you something, to me, it means the world. I know just that little bit more about them, something that adds up to a part of their personality. I ask myself, “How important is this?” Even so, I don’t tell when I promise them I won’t, unless something awful happens regarding it or I hate them so much that keeping that secret, or trust, will hurt me in the long run. That’s a terrible way of doing things, but I know that for the huge things, I’m reliable.

Sophie said that once you understand someone, they have a funny way of making it into your heart. That’s the thing, for me, that really struck home, because she’s incredibly right. Now I think on it, all the things people have told me – little or serious – have helped me to understand them. From then on, I know what shapes their personality. That might sound strange, but by understanding them, they’ve taken a tiny piece of my heart without knowing and imbued it with what they’ve gone through.

Whenever I’m trusted, it means that little bit more to me, which is why I get so incredibly upset when people break my trust – or even when I break other people’s. It feels like a betrayal, because I understand them and they understand me (trust goes both ways, after all).

A specific example? There is something I know about Ash, something that breaks my heart whenever I think about it. Despite hating him for so many things, and having a year of stored up hurt, I still can’t hate him fully, because I understand a little of why he does things. It doesn’t excuse anything at all and is only a root cause for other things, and it seems detrimental for me to think about it, but still: he trusted me. To break that trust, especially now, would be vindictive, even though he wouldn’t give a royal shit. I know I harp on about it a lot, but through him, I knew what it was to understand people and it’s helped me to form the most unlikely friendships. I don’t regret that.

Even when I hate people, I can understand them. Through them sharing something from their life, they open up their heart and if I’m there, I would never abuse that because that would be more than cruel.

I’m not a saint; I’m far from it. I’ve done shitty things to shitty people, and I know it. But at least I have something to hold onto.

I have the capacity to understand people, and it’s one of the only things I truly like about myself. Sometimes I get emotional, especially when my friends – or someone I hadn’t considered a friend – tell me something which means a lot to them, or something that they’ve kept inside.

They might not like me, but at least I can say that I hold – and don’t throw away – a little piece of their heart.

That’s just a thought process for you. I wonder – do you feel the same? When you find something out about someone, does it help you understand them more?

Also, if you haven’t checked out Sophie’s blog already, you really should – I found her today and she’s great!

From Elm 🙂

Realisations Whilst Smiling

Can you just pop on over to this guy‘s blog and give him a follow, because he just cheered me up so much and realised there are fucking amazing people in this world.

Yesterday, Things were really bad and I’ve never snapped like that after so long being very happy. But yesterday evening and today made me realise I’m not as bad as I thought I was. A mixture of your comments and my real life friends helped with that.

When it comes to big things, I never tell anyone. As in, big secrets. Secrets people have EXPLICITLY told me NEVER to tell anyone.

And I NEVER have told anyone at all things like that. The BIG things, really serious things. I still need to work on the trivial stuff, and by trivial I mean things that are so much less serious than what I know. But it’s one step at a time, isn’t it?

The thing is, I CAN keep a secret, for other people when they need me to. If someone trusts me with something really important, GOD I won’t spread it. I never could because THAT is disgusting.

Ash told me something once that I’ve never told anyone and I never plan on it; I suppose he thinks I’ve told everyone but he’d be so wrong about that – he’s right about many things about me, but not that. Aspen has told me things, and Red and Wren – talking to Wren today cemented in my mind that I’m not that much of a shitty person.

And last night, it was… Hmm, what shall I call him? Alyssum. That’s genuinely a tree and I like the name. God knows why he trusted me – I actually don’t understand why he would or why other people would – but I’m honoured.

I feel like I’m bragging, saying “OMG like people have told me all their secrets I’m greeaaatttt!” I am not. My posts and experiences have proven that, but what I am is so glad that they trust me. I’ve got things to work on to do with myself, but trust is a big thing for me.

KIND of ironic but… Whatever. I’m working on that too; I’m working on keeping trust for EVERYTHING, not just the big stuff.

But for me, the big things are what matter. I’ll keep those secrets, even if I end up hating the people that they’re about.

I’m not such a shitty person after all. Now, all I need to do is hold and cherish that trust, especially the new trust gained from Alyssum. Trust is so difficult to hold onto and I just hope I can, that I don’t hurt anyone else.

From Elm 🙂

A Year Tomorrow was when it All Started

This is just a quick little post, because I physically can’t write any more than that.

Tomorrow is 13 October. On 13 October 2014, Ash – my previous best friend who never talks to me any more – trusted me with something and not shortly after, I realised I was in love with him. The thing he trusted me with was so personal and private that I promised NEVER to tell anyone, and I never have and never will. That’s the one promise I’m willing to keep – and who knows, it might be public knowledge by now.

The point is, this date is and was VERY significant to me. If you’ve read my blog in the past, you’ll be able to tell how screwed up I was – and sometimes still am – from the Ash situation, and how I think everything is my fault – it’s too complicated to summarise in one post. Fact is, a year ago tomorrow was when everything started: it was when our friendship became true and deep and real, and when we trusted each other for the first time, and when I felt something that I’m pretty sure was genuine love. If not then, then days later.

It was when I first felt truly appreciated by someone in the best way possible – in friendship, in trust, and it marked a MASSIVE turning point in my life. It’s difficult to describe just HOW significant that day is and was, but hopefully I’m doing a relatively good job. Before, I would look back on that day with a feeling of friendship and love and hope, but when everything went wrong – like now – I look back on it with sadness and a longing for what I had before. Does that make sense?

So, I won’t do well tomorrow. It’s not something I can prevent: I can’t stop the feelings if I think positively about it; if I could, I would. I would think happy thoughts and the bad ones would go, but I just can’t.

I guess I’m warning you guys, because whatever post there will be tomorrow won’t be happy. I have my history coursework, AND french lessons (Ash is in my class for that) and I don’t know how I’ll cope. I’m scared. I want to do well in my history – and like I said to Red, I think I’ll just blank my mind of him for those two hours, which is all I can manage.

Perhaps I’ll surprise myself – maybe a great thing will happen that will bring me out of my dark mood, but I don’t know; I’ve been dreading this for a very long time.

One year. And in that year, things went to shit. I regret none of it, but I miss the early days from about October to December. Can’t go back though, eh.

Thanks for sticking with me, and I’m sorry in advance for anything I post tomorrow because I doubt it’ll be pretty. Ash has affected me too much – hopefully, tomorrow, I WON’T be affected and I’ll just feel normal, but that’s the BEST case scenario. Hope for the best and plan for the worst.

From Elm 🙂

Explosions To Ash

I trusted two people today with the fact that I’m in love with ash. It was too scary for my liking, really, because I find it difficult to trust – OHOH, cliche! CLICHE!

The first is a girl from my sociology class and I don’t know why I told her – she won’t tell, though. If she does… Well, I’ll do something drastic. Argh, that makes me sound like a psychopath.

The second was my friend – let’s call him Red, because he has ginger hair. Red… Red and Ash hate each other. So much. So, so, so much.

Long story: a lot of it was kind of my fault. Well, no – not really. But I was involved. Their argument was their doing, but it only happened because Ash asked me if I could find out Red’s opinion of him… Yup.

So, Ash and Red. I asked Red today to tell me who he fancies, mainly because yesterday, Willow had told HIM who she fancies. Stereotypical, eh! Heh. Post about that later.

First, I told him about cedar. That was… Well, it wasn’t bad.

But then I had to tell him about Ash. Fuck… Our conversation went like this: (sorry for the unimbelishment of this; I’m tired)

“Hey… You said, yesterday, that you only hated one person? Well… Who is it?”

“Ash.”

“Oh… What actually HAPPENED?”

Following this is a very long explanation that is omitted for privacy reasons.

“Yeah, he’s my friend I think? We haven’t been speaking recently though and… I dunno, I…”

“Oh! You can be friends with him; don’t let my dislike of him get in the way of that!”

“Well I kind of… Oh god please please don’t judge me! You won’t, will you?”

“Just tell me! I promise not to judge.”

“Well I… I fucking fancy him!”

Pause. “Oh okay.”

He was fine with it. He said that there was no way he’d try and get in the way of that, and that ESPECIALLY if I ‘fucking fancied him’ – his words! – then it was all the better.

Red is fucking amazing. We had a very long, very deep conversation that lunchtime.

On the subject of Ash: I don’t know what the hell is going on. I miss the days where we could just talk and know what the other was thinking. I miss the days when I had problems and he would help me, and when he had problems I would help him.

Back then, I thought that things were bad because of other friendship stuff. Now I realise I should have held onto those conversations for as long as I could.

DAMNIT TO HELL.

From a pissed off and slightly – SLIGHTLY?! – confused Elm