Afraid Of School

It’s safe to say that I really didn’t put enough effort into my schoolwork this year, or my exams in general. I say this to people and they act as if I’m joking when in actuality, I couldn’t be more serious. I screwed up work-wise and also emotionally, was sad, upset and angry at myself the majority of the time and I was the reason I had a shit time.

Writing this the night before school starts, I’m feeling especially scared. I don’t want to get into the motivational decline of AS-Levels, especially after all the shit which kicked off at the start of it. I blame myself – not for instigating it – but for letting it affect me and letting it carry on. This will be a rambling post, by the way, but I need to get my anxious feelings out because otherwise I never will.

I need sleep but I’m sat here worrying about the state of my thoughts. I need to pick myself up but I don’t know how; it’s got to the point where I genuinely don’t know how I’m going to be or feel when I return from school. It concerns me to note that I may either feel relieved and motivated or utterly shit, wanting to sob and just fix all of the things that have gone wrong.

Simultaneously, I want to get tomorrow over with and also I want to stay home. Exciting things may be coming up work-wise and in terms of school but I can’t bring myself to be happy about that because I need to cross the hurdle of not doing work first. If I never get motivated, I’ll never do work and that’s the crux of it. It’s not that I don’t do the work to a worrying degree; it’s that I don’t know if I’ll care enough to get stuff done.

When did this all start? Was it at the start of year 12 when French and personal things were affecting me? Was it around December when I realised that nothing was making me happy and that all the work I was doing was pointless? Was it before that when I had the habit of procrastinating and being lazy or was it before any of my exams, when I was so convinced I’d fail that I didn’t do enough revision?

I know that I can do this but I’m terrified, scared, paranoid and I want everything to go away whilst also wanting to be surrounded by happy things to forget about me. I have no idea what (i>exactly is getting me so worked up. I’m shaking, feel cold all over and my eyes are too widened to cry at the minute.

I can succeed in my subjects but that might be at the cost of my feelings and creative mind; I don’t want that. I want to sing, write, have fun and laugh but now, it feels quite far off. If I can balance work and a social life, everything will be okay but I don’t want to screw up again and make people unhappy.

Tomorrow, one of three things will happen: I will panic and lock myself into a work-mindset at the expense of talking to people; I will have a terrible attitude to work but revel in the fact that my friends are there or I’ll find a balance. I’m hoping it’s the last of these three but who knows?

I’m scared but I can’t let it rule me. I’m going to go to sleep but the thought of waking up tomorrow to face a day of self-induced fear is making me procrastinate sleep.

Sorry for the disjointed and fragile nature of this post. Inspiration can strike me at the strangest of times and I needed to get this written before the thoughts disappeared into a flurry of confusion inside my head. In the morning, I’ll look back on this and frown but for now, it’s the best I can do and that best will be enough.

If you’re returning to school now or did last week, I hope everything goes well! Remember that even if you feel a certain way now, it won’t last forever. You still have time to let yourself be happy: there will always be time for that. Being happy can be better than getting top grades in every single subject.

From Elm 🙂

My Mind’s a Bully to my Heart

Do you, after literally the tiniest thing, get paranoid that you’ve completely neglected your friends, not been attentive enough, think they hate you, that everyone hates you and then you start questioning all of the stupid lies and shit you got yourself into? No? I do – I am – and it’s annoying.

I have these “you’ve been a terrible friend” moments regularly, but they stopped recently as my mental health improved. After the good day I had, I’m sad that this has returned, because now I feel sick with myself, I’m shaking and trying to convince myself that no, I’m not an awful person and people don’t despise me. Why do I even have to do this to let my mind be at rest? Far be it for me to scream it’s unfair, but I just wish I wouldn’t second guess every decision I made and then get hit with the reality that I’ve been floating along with the world and not being proactive in helping people.

Maybe writing about it will help, because I’m no longer entirely honest about my feelings on this blog. That makes me upset – that I’d be so worried and fucking paranoid at everything that I’d censor myself, try and block it out just so I won’t make people worry about me. If people worry they worry, but this is my outlet and always has been; it’s what calms me down and lifts me back up.

Occasionally I just wonder why I don’t give up with trying to do anything when all I seem to do is make people angry, or shut people out. Either because I won’t tell them what’s wrong, or I push other people to tell me what’s wrong when they don’t want to. In my mind, I’m trying to be helpful or I’m hoping to allow them to open up, but in truth it’s just pushy, clingy and makes people think I won’t leave them alone. I used to be the one who would go out of their way to reach a hand out to people and now, all I do is get pathetically sad when people don’t want to tell me things because oooh, obviously, I’m just soo approachable.

That whole thing – about forcing people, attempting to be well-meaning but actually being intensely annoying, makes me have a less than positive opinion of myself. I’m trembling now because I’m finally figuring it out and I don’t want this opportunity to go to waste.

It makes me draw away from people, slowly – either that or because I get overwhelmed at all the things I have to do, such as work, blogging and everything else. Balancing friendships – that makes it sound like a chore but it isn’t – has become increasingly difficult as I get paranoid that if I pay attention to one friend, I’ll forget about the others and not talk to them when they need me. That, right there, is the root of the matter: I’m worried that people think I don’t care about them because I don’t reach out to them which is because I have distanced myself from everyone, when I do care so much.

I’m too harsh sometimes. I become sad and clingy, and then make people feel guilty. I’m confused, about both my feelings and my actions as well as what to do about them, yet one thing remains certain.

I care about people but I don’t express that well sometimes. If I can hold onto as many friendships as possible, I won’t feel so bad about talking to said people because they’d know I love them. I don’t want to live a life where I’m constantly terrified that I’m not helping people enough, where my heart beats violently because I’m just not as good as I could be, and people don’t trust me. I’ll always feel disgusting for not talking to people and letting friendships fall apart but I can’t let it be all-consuming.

All of this has made me exhausted and I’m half-crying with how my mind’s twisting all of my thoughts to tell me to stop talking, to sob until I feel ill and to tell everyone, “I’m fine, leave me alone; you have your own damn life!” I don’t want to be someone who can’t love because they’re too afraid and I don’t want to be untrustworthy. I’m scared, my heart hurts and I don’t know what I’m either feeling or thinking, but I have to get through it to be a better person.

This post made no sense, but it was an explosion of thoughts. I’ve tried to work through it in my head, but I can’t because if I’m left alone with my thoughts they’ll batter at me until I want to burn everything, so the only other option was to write them down.

The conclusion here? I feel like I’m neglecting everyone including myself, that people don’t trust me or like me because I don’t devote enough time into proving I DO care but that’s just my paranoia. I may want to punch myself but I won’t because my brain won’t triumph again with its stupidly negative thoughts.

I’m still petrified, though. What if I mess up and none of this writing goes in? What if I continue to be an unfeeling wreck? Oh, this will just remind me I have emotions, and it’s okay to have emotions.

From Elm 🙂